Dear Ex, today I end my pain. Goodbye.

Dear ex,

I still remember you. I remember everything about you. Your face keeps flashing in front of my eyes every now and then. But then, I remember how you broke my trust, manipulated me, hurt me and then put the blame on me so that you could appear good in front of the world. You were my life’s biggest mistake and learning lesson.

Today, I am no longer the same person. I don’t talk much, I think before speaking. Unbelievable for you, right? I find it hard to trust people too. I always feel like I am being pushed around, which makes me go into a shell. I no longer want to be manipulated into believing someone loves me, when all they want is their own gain.

Remember that time when you convinced me to move closer to you away from my flat in Delhi, placing the onus on the job, rather than your own selfish motives? I can see through it all now. But it’s more than 2 years since that realisation hit me, and it makes me feel so, so stupid for not being able to see through your manipulation.

Why did you have to manipulate me when you knew I loved you? You forced reactions from me in many situations to justify to yourself your decision for leaving me. Today, when you suffer, I feel no hurt for you. I just feel a sense of satisfaction. For God did what I couldn’t – punish you. I hope your life is ruined to the extent you ruined mine. You took away three beautiful years from my life, changed me, pushed me into a corner, made me untrusting of all men around me. And made me realise that I am probably quite stupid too.

After you left, I kept pushing myself to learn new things, for I thought that if I change myself, become digitally dexterous, the next guy I date will love me for my knowledge and not make me feel like shit for not knowing about some coding languages or having good skills that fetch money in the market. You were a terrible influence on me, and it’s taken me 1.5 years to get rid of that, and I think it will still take many more years to finally grow into a confident woman and outgrow your stench.

The irony of everything is – I still remember you and wish we could have worked things out. But then my mind gets in between and makes me realise that we could have never made things work out because there was a fundamental difference between us – I was honest and you were always dishonest. Everything you said and did was a lie. You were always a liar, a cheat and an abuser. You were only with me till you found a better option. You did find a “better” option. And she left you too. If she really loved you sweetie, she would have stuck with you during your current situation of distress. But you will never realise that I was the only person who actually did love you, will you?

All I can hope for is that you do regret all the wrongs you did to me. I have nothing more left to say to you. I have realised who you really are. The problem was NEVER with me. It was ALWAYS with you. You were a dominating little prick, who liked playing people with a calm mind. You were ruthless, unbearably pretentious and definitely lacked class. I am sorry to say, but I deserve better.

I know God is out there with his hand on my head. Which is why I can today pen this truth about you, while you languish away in a corner of the world wondering how you ruined your life. Good luck for everything, for a life without love, ambition and honesty. Today is my last day of pain. After this I am free. FREE.

Yours truly,

your better off “ex”

Life · Opinionated

The Power Of Redemption (And Revenge)

I’ll be honest with all of you. I have refrained from writing for the past six months as I had been spending it in deep reflection of my character traits. I was trying to reform whatever was “wrong” with me, focusing on being happy and trying to channelise my energies in the right direction. Around this time, last year, someone terrible had done something horrific to me, which has taken me over a year to get over.

A friend of mine had told me this time last year, “why do women feel something is wrong with them when they go through a break-up?”. I had felt those same emotions, when a man decided to take matters in his hands and tell me that we couldn’t work things out because we weren’t “compatible”. I spent months trying to figure out how I could “fix” things and get back together with him, but each time I tried to reform myself, he behaved in a worse manner with me, in one instance, even going to the extent of threatening me. (I even penned a poem for him, wondering if I could ever work out things with someone else, because he had made me believe that something was wrong with me).

Today, I am going to speak up about abuse and I am going to tell you what was not (and never) wrong with me. The past year has taught me that nothing was wrong with me, but that everything was wrong with HIM. He was a narcissist, and it took me 4 years of abuse to finally realise it. Never believe someone when they tell you that you have a problem. I believe we all have our demons, but if the person in front feels that he’s “picture perfect” and you’re the one with all the problems, then that’s the time to run away from that relationship as far away as possible.

The man I unfortunately loved abused me to the extent of driving me insane. He made me believe I have anger issues, and I can’t hang out with other people properly. He made me question my social skills, even my value to the society because I wasn’t as “smart” as him. He used to chide me for not being “respectful” enough towards his friends and even told me once that I am capable of holding a grudge against anybody because that’s my nature. All the time, he made sure that I could not say anything in return because according to him, ‘he was calm, and I was too emotional to handle’. Yes, he was calm, especially when he was abusive. He never shed a tear for when he hurt me, his eyes were always quite hollow. So I guess, he was quite a calm person. Perfect to be a serial killer.

Today, when my friends hug me for being myself, and people in office want to hang out with me for who I am, I doubt myself. I think they will probably see some bad side of mine and run away. But I have come to terms with the fact that I was a victim of narcissist abuse for years, which is why I now doubt myself. I will take time to heal, but when I do, I am sure I will be so strong that no one can ever make me doubt myself. I am glad I got rid of him and his circle of narcissistic friends, who made life harder for me by abusing me further when he dumped me, because hey ladies, when one guy abuses you, the others have the right to be shit to you too?!

I have wanted the best for people and I genuinely don’t hold malice against people. But, today when I see that man suffering, I feel so, so happy. I want to tell the Universe to punish him more. For every time he physically hurt me, he should receive that pain. For every time he told me something was wrong with me, his faults should be detailed to him by the world. And I know the Universe is listening to me, because today that man is suffering for a terrible deed he has done. And I didn’t even need to do anything to make him suffer. The Universe took care of it. Today, people don’t want to be associated with him, and his friends are chilling as if nothing happened. Hey, the same friends who once stood up for him and said that he was “sensible” for abusing me.

I hope your suffering goes on. You’re a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to be with anybody. You’re dominating, narcissistic, greedy and abusive. I don’t think I would ever want another woman to face what I did. I know you view women just as an object of lust and I want the world to know that.

I wonder how a woman like me, who’s strong headed and has an opinion, became a victim of abuse. But abuse can happen to anybody. Just because I speak my mind, doesn’t mean I can’t be abused. For years, I couldn’t walk away from an abusive man, who treated me like shit, dumped me whenever he wanted to, and came back whenever he wanted to. I feel terrible that I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. But whenever I did, he used to beg me to stay around. He begged so hard, it sometimes made me believe that he loved me. To be honest, it’s tough to walk away from someone you have known for so long and especially when they make you believe that if you reform yourself, everything will get better. Sometimes, you don’t see the cracks, even if the world does. It only takes pain and insult to see the reality and lift the veil of stupidity from your face. I spent many years smiling through the pain and now I wonder, I could have saved myself so many years of utter nonsense that I didn’t deserve to endure!

I hope you’re reading this right now and your blood is boiling. But I know that the world will now listen to me, and not you. You thought that just because you had money, everyone would flock to you. Look what happened. You know how you’ve destroyed your life and trust me, no one’s happier than me.

I know I shouldn’t gloat on someone’s distress, but sometimes, you need to get revenge. You can’t seek it yourself, but when you get it, you feel really good. I feel so glad that I got out of your life and I am not suffering as collateral damage for your sins.

I want all girls out there to know that if he ever tells you that you’re not worth it, then leave him. You deserve better. If he tells you that you both weren’t compatible (especially after he’s met your parents and technically made it official), give him a slap on the face and never, ever look back. If he tells you he’s found someone he’s given his heart and soul to and he can’t share his heart with you anymore (just weeks after breaking up with you), laugh on his face, show him the middle finger, and walk away. If he ever talks shit about your family and then chides you for getting angry at him, kick him in the balls. Also, if he behaves like shit with you, especially in front of other people, and then sends you an SMS to apologise because he just doesn’t believe in saying sorry in person, you really, really need to FORGET and become indifferent to such a person. He basically gloats from your distress and gets happiness from your misery and such people don’t deserve your attention. You’re too beautiful to associate yourself with such a monster.

Do all the things I didn’t do, and your life will be so much better. It’s better to die single than to be stuck with an abusive bastard who doesn’t value you. Such men are basically the worst segment of the society, and deserve to die alone. And they will, don’t worry.

If you’ve ever been abused, don’t be afraid to speak out. Today, I feel proud when I meet another man and I can honestly tell him what I have been through. I am not scared of what he will think of me. I know what I have been through and I am confident it won’t happen again. Because I won’t let it happen. This time, I will choose wisely.

Also, ladies, red flag – if he ever tells you that his mother never found fault in him – run away as far as possible. The man has a false sense of manhood and superiority and probably is a narcissist if you scratch the surface. He will not only ruin your mental peace and life, but also project you as the villain in the relationship. Because, ladies, his mother never found fault in him! So no one else can!

And if you ever do find fault in him, he will very smartly pretend to be all nice in front of other people and incite you into saying something so that others see that you’re the villain in the relationship, not him. Makes it easier for him to dump you (my dearest ex abuser, you think I didn’t notice that? I did, and I am so glad that now no self-respecting woman will ever want to be with you. Your tactics are out there for the world to see now).

P.S – I am doing a favour to you by not disclosing your name to the world. Be happy about that. I wish you the best for your life, which you have ruined anyway, so I guess not much is left of it now.

To end by quoting Taylor Swift:

“the world moves on, another drama, but all I need, all I can think about is Karma. Maybe one thing is for sure, maybe I got mine but you’ll all get yours“.

You already did. And it’s the happiest day of my life. __|__


काश एक बार…

तुम्हे खोकर जाना खोना किसे कहते है
पल पल तड़प कर जाना मरना किसे कहते है
गलती की सज़ा ये है की अब तुम साथ नही हो
अब ये भी पता है की तुम किसी और के साथ खुश हो
बस इतना लगता है की काश ज़िंदगी हमारे प्यार को दूसरा मौका दे देती
की मैं अपनी गलतियाँ सुधार सकती
पर गलतियों के पहाड़ को तोड़ना है मुश्किल
ना साथ रहने के चाह को बदलना है मुश्किल
अब खुश होती हूँ ये सोचकर की तुम्हे किसी और की बाहों में पनाह मिला
किसी और के साथ वो मुकम्मल जहाँ मिला
बस यही सोचती हूँ रोज़ की तुम खुश हो की नही
प्रार्थना करती हूँ की खुश तो होंगे ही ज़रूर
अब बस यही लगता है की तुमसे बात न बनी तो किसी और से ना बन पाएगी
प्यार खोकर जाना प्यार कहते किसे है…
काश तुम एक बार मुड़कर मेरी तरफ देखते
काश हम एक बार पुरानी बातें भुला देते
पर अब बस काश ही बोलती रहूंगी
क्यूंकी अब ना नसीब होगी मुझे तुम्हारी मुहब्बत या नफ़रत
अब पता है की तुम्हारे अंदर मेरे लिए कोई भावनायें नही
होंगी भी कैसे, मैं हूँ ही ऐसी बला
जिसे छोड़कर तुम आज खुश हो
बस यही बोलती हू भगवान को रोज़ की मैने गलतियाँ मान ली है
पर पता है अब सुधारने का मौका नही मिलेगा…
रोज़ कोशिश करती हूँ तुम्हे भूलने की ताकि तुम खुश रहो
पर प्यार को भूलना मुश्किल ही नही
नामुमकिन है,
अब बस तुम्हारे उस खत का इंतेज़ार है
जिसमें तुम मुझे अपनी शादी में बुलवाओ
ताकि मैं आकर तुम्हे खुशियों की बधाई दे सकूँ
क्यूंकी तुम्हारी खुशियाँ बस चाहिए अब मुझे
मुझे अपने अंदर के शैतान को किसी और को ना दिखाना
किसी और को दर्द नही देना
ना किसी और के साथ ग़लतियाँ करनी
क्यूंकी तुम्हारे साथ बात नही बनी
तो किसी के साथ नही बनेगी…
तुम्हारे सामने खुश होने का नाटक करूँगी
ताकि तुम मुझे भूल जाओ और खुश रहो
तुम्हे अब ना कॉल ना message करूँगी
मेरी मनहूस शकल से भी तुम्हे घिन आती है, ये पता है
अब तुमसे ना कोई चाह ना गिला
बस अपने आप को रोज़ बोलती हूँ
की काश प्यार को पहले समझा होता
तो शायद आज तुम्हारे बिना जीना नही पड़ता
शायद पहले ये समझा होता की प्यार में कोई समझौता नही होता
तो शायद इस दिन को ना गले लगाना पड़ता…
अब भगवान से बस यही माँगूंगी
की अगले जनम हम साथ हो
मैं तुम्हारे साथ जियुं और तुम्हारे बाद मरूं
क्यूंकी सच कहूँ
तुम्हारे बिना जीना बहुत मुश्किल है…
काश ज़िंदगी ने हमारे प्यार को एक और मौका दिया होता
काश मैने अपने आप को रोका होता
काश ये दिन ना आता
काश मैं जी पाती तुम्हारे बिना
अब बस मरने की देर है
तुम्हारे बिना साँस लेती हूँ पर अपने आप से घिन है
जी तो लूँगी मैं अकेले
क्यूंकी अब बस अगले जनम का इंतेज़ार है
जब हम सच में साथ हो और ये गलतियों का पहाड़ ना हो
इस जनम से अगले जनम में ज़्यादा वक़्त नही
८० साल तो बस समय है, ज़िंदगी नही…

Indian Woman's Musings · Life

You’re Never With The ‘Right’ Person. You Just Become Right For Each Other

Some questions I frequently see my friends ask, are – Am I with the right person? Is he perfect for me? Are we made for each other?

Honestly, while the questions may be perfect, the answers never are. I am no pro at relationships, but from what I have understood about life is – you are never in a “perfect” situation. You just have to think you are. Eventually, you become ‘perfect’ for each other.

We are all on our respective journey of self-discovery, and it takes time to learn things and become sensible. If you have followed my blog previously, you will see that I have gone from depressed to angry, to disillusioned to meditative. That’s part and parcel of being human. And that’s partly the answer to this question about who’s perfect for you – honestly, no one is. No one can insert a square peg into a round hole. Especially when you’re changing as a person every single day.

Image source: Huffington Post

As I said before, I am no pro at relationships. But there are some fundamental things I have learnt which I would like to share, so that you can stop asking yourself questions and start living the answers 🙂

  1. Understand your partner

We all are rational and we do every thing with a thought attached to it. No one does anything ‘stupid’, there’s always a reason to it. If your partner ever leaves you, it’s not because he wants to leave you. It’s because he has a reason for it. Try and understand your partner. He/She will eventually understand you. There’s no perfect law for a balanced relationship, but a calm mind which understands before taking action always wins.

Don’t hate your partner, in fact, try and see small signs of love which will calm your mind. Slowly, but steadily, you will learn to appreciate your partner for all their good qualities, understand them better, and in turn, help them understand you.

If you are ever angry at your partner, try and understand their action. Until and unless they are harming you, it’s never a bad idea to understand and let go, isn’t it? Take time off, breathe, think. You will understand your partner better and appreciate them for who they are, instead of chiding them for not being who you want them to be.

2. Let opinions thrive

It’s always a good thing if your partner has opinions. It’s even better when they stand by them. That way, you know you’re dating someone sensible, and not a rock. Have discussions with your partner on their opinions, but don’t fight. Always remember that it’s good that your partner has a thought process. Try to imagine dating someone without one. How would you feel if that partner always said ‘Yes Sir’ or ‘Yes Ma’am’ to everything? Not that exciting, right?

3. Learn to let go

We all make mistakes in a relationship. Multiple mistakes make us feel that the person is not ‘right’ for us. The easiest thing is to let go. It’s also the toughest thing, especially if you feel that your partner has wronged you. But, always retrospect and think – if my partner is that bad, why am I with them? If the answer isn’t something concrete, then let go of the mistakes.

Another mistake we generally tend to make is letting other people and their opinions create dark clouds in the relationship. Learn to completely trust your partner and let go of what others say. This way, the only people in the relationship will be you two, and your habit of letting go will just make the relationship simpler for you.

4. You can face problems if you are together

A common mistake we make in relationships is to think that our partner won’t stand up for us, or won’t take care of us. Don’t place the onus of your happiness completely on someone. Remember, problems will arise but you can only fight them if things between you two are on good terms. Fight with your partner, and you will just fight even more when problems arise – and it will make fighting against problems harder!

5. Always be open to things

While it is necessary to be particular about your choices, always be open to possibilities. If your partner has an idea for something, don’t shut it down because it doesn’t fit with your mindset. Let those ideas and thoughts thrive. You need to always remember that those who genuinely love their partners would always want to see them happy. Then why fight over a small idea? The future is not written – we write it. And you can only write your future with your partner if he/she is happy in your company.

This doesn’t mean the onus to make a relationship work is completely on you. Your partner too needs to realise your worth to make your relationship work. However, if implemented, these thought processes will benefit you, not harm you or make you any weaker. Every one of us out there is looking for a loved one, and it’s nice to make some room for them without standing all by yourself, isn’t it?

P.S – These are not gold standards. These are just things I have learnt from my experience. If you have any other thoughts, please do share. It’s always lovely to have others add to the beauty we have in life and share their learnings! 🙂