Pay Your Dues, But Don’t Serve The Sentence.

February 9, 2019 perpetualdreamer4 Comments

It takes a long time to figure out what you want to be. It takes even longer to figure out how you want people to treat you. When you’re a child, you have to be content with people treating you a certain way, primarily because you’re dependent on others for your health and well-being. But, once you grow up, is it a bad thing to expect basic things such as sensitivity and respect from others?

I find it hard to communicate with my family on many occasions. Have you also been there? My parents are good people, but not sensitive. That has led me to the state where I no longer want to tell them about my problems, because they will never turn around and ask me how I am, rather they will start giving me anecdotes about what I can and should do correctly.

At 26, I no longer want to be told what to do, or who to be. I know that already. I just want someone to give me a hug when I want it, give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it, so that I can pick myself up and deal with my problems myself. But somehow, I feel very alone. And now I think I will be for the rest of my life.

The thing you’re never taught while growing up is how lonely life is. If we tell our children to be prepared for a life alone, perhaps it will make it easier for them to deal with depression and anxiety issues. Or, maybe not. I crave a lot for some company that can give me a hug and tell me it’s all going to be okay. But I have reached that stage of life that even a hug makes me untrustworthy or unnerved, because I know that it’s temporary. Everything in life is temporary, except your existence.

Many people ask me why I love the songs of Queen. Because Queen’s songs hit the recesses of your soul. Queen is a band for the marginalized, for those who feel different, feel left out. I am definitely paying my dues, and also serving an undeserved sentence. Is it my fault that people around me have failed to love me or have I failed in garnering their love? Such thoughts consume me as I contemplate the next step of my life.

I don’t talk about these things in fear that people will presume that I find it difficult to stay happy. In fact, I am always happy, externally, but with a swirling wind inside that is destroying everything and making me hollow. I don’t know if I can define this as sadness. It’s not sadness, actually. It’s the actualization of a new emotion where you accept your circumstances and your fate.

I know that I am growing distant from my family. I have never fit into their definition of a perfect child. I have my complaints too. But I can’t tell them because they will feel that I am always complaining and being inconsiderate. ‘Inconsiderate’, ‘selfish’, ‘angry’, ‘self-centered’ – these words are used freely by all of us without considering the amount of damage it is wrecking in the person in front of us. I sometimes wonder if I would want children. I know that I will also probably be this cold when my child comes to me with their problem. I am used to being told to not talk about problems. Probably I will be the same with my child, and that thought scares me. It’s tough to feel bad and not be able to tell your mother, because you know that she won’t respond with a cursory, ‘are you alright, dear’. You know that the response will be standard procedure. I am busy, I have work, or focus on your work and everything will be okay, stop making an issue about little things, etcetera.

Sometimes, you do need help. And it’s okay. It’s okay to love someone and give them a bit of compassionate love. It’s okay to tell them, ‘you will be fine, I am there for you.’ I feel that in this materialistic world, we have forgotten to love. We believe in nothing but self-gain, self-respect and self-appreciation. As I switch off my phone, I wonder whether I should even turn it on. I wonder what’s the point of communicating with people who don’t even want to make the effort to connect with you. But a hope remains that one day I will surround myself with people who are considerate and affectionate. Yes, I am emotional and yes, I like having emotional people around me, because without emotions, this world will be a desert and our emotions will be a sand dune, being bashed around by those who don’t believe in loving or living.

I turn on the radio and a Queen song is playing. I smile and agree with Freddie Mercury. “I consider it a challenge before the whole human race and I ain’t gonna lose. We are the champions, my friend. And we’ll keep on fighting till the end.” I am tired of being starved of love. Time to switch off from those who don’t understand you, even if they are family. If they love you, they will eventually come around and try to understand you. If they don’t, then don’t try. You can never mould people into the shapes you want them in. Just accept that you’re different, and move on.

You Will Love Again…

December 21, 2017December 21, 2017 perpetualdreamer1 Comment

काश एक बार…

September 24, 2017September 24, 2017 perpetualdreamer3 Comments

तुम्हे खोकर जाना खोना किसे कहते है
पल पल तड़प कर जाना मरना किसे कहते है
गलती की सज़ा ये है की अब तुम साथ नही हो
अब ये भी पता है की तुम किसी और के साथ खुश हो
बस इतना लगता है की काश ज़िंदगी हमारे प्यार को दूसरा मौका दे देती
की मैं अपनी गलतियाँ सुधार सकती
पर गलतियों के पहाड़ को तोड़ना है मुश्किल
ना साथ रहने के चाह को बदलना है मुश्किल
अब खुश होती हूँ ये सोचकर की तुम्हे किसी और की बाहों में पनाह मिला
किसी और के साथ वो मुकम्मल जहाँ मिला
बस यही सोचती हूँ रोज़ की तुम खुश हो की नही
प्रार्थना करती हूँ की खुश तो होंगे ही ज़रूर
अब बस यही लगता है की तुमसे बात न बनी तो किसी और से ना बन पाएगी
प्यार खोकर जाना प्यार कहते किसे है…
काश तुम एक बार मुड़कर मेरी तरफ देखते
काश हम एक बार पुरानी बातें भुला देते
पर अब बस काश ही बोलती रहूंगी
क्यूंकी अब ना नसीब होगी मुझे तुम्हारी मुहब्बत या नफ़रत
अब पता है की तुम्हारे अंदर मेरे लिए कोई भावनायें नही
होंगी भी कैसे, मैं हूँ ही ऐसी बला
जिसे छोड़कर तुम आज खुश हो
बस यही बोलती हू भगवान को रोज़ की मैने गलतियाँ मान ली है
पर पता है अब सुधारने का मौका नही मिलेगा…
रोज़ कोशिश करती हूँ तुम्हे भूलने की ताकि तुम खुश रहो
पर प्यार को भूलना मुश्किल ही नही
नामुमकिन है,
अब बस तुम्हारे उस खत का इंतेज़ार है
जिसमें तुम मुझे अपनी शादी में बुलवाओ
ताकि मैं आकर तुम्हे खुशियों की बधाई दे सकूँ
क्यूंकी तुम्हारी खुशियाँ बस चाहिए अब मुझे
मुझे अपने अंदर के शैतान को किसी और को ना दिखाना
किसी और को दर्द नही देना
ना किसी और के साथ ग़लतियाँ करनी
क्यूंकी तुम्हारे साथ बात नही बनी
तो किसी के साथ नही बनेगी…
तुम्हारे सामने खुश होने का नाटक करूँगी
ताकि तुम मुझे भूल जाओ और खुश रहो
तुम्हे अब ना कॉल ना message करूँगी
मेरी मनहूस शकल से भी तुम्हे घिन आती है, ये पता है
अब तुमसे ना कोई चाह ना गिला
बस अपने आप को रोज़ बोलती हूँ
की काश प्यार को पहले समझा होता
तो शायद आज तुम्हारे बिना जीना नही पड़ता
शायद पहले ये समझा होता की प्यार में कोई समझौता नही होता
तो शायद इस दिन को ना गले लगाना पड़ता…
अब भगवान से बस यही माँगूंगी
की अगले जनम हम साथ हो
मैं तुम्हारे साथ जियुं और तुम्हारे बाद मरूं
क्यूंकी सच कहूँ
तुम्हारे बिना जीना बहुत मुश्किल है…
काश ज़िंदगी ने हमारे प्यार को एक और मौका दिया होता
काश मैने अपने आप को रोका होता
काश ये दिन ना आता
काश मैं जी पाती तुम्हारे बिना
अब बस मरने की देर है
तुम्हारे बिना साँस लेती हूँ पर अपने आप से घिन है
जी तो लूँगी मैं अकेले
क्यूंकी अब बस अगले जनम का इंतेज़ार है
जब हम सच में साथ हो और ये गलतियों का पहाड़ ना हो
इस जनम से अगले जनम में ज़्यादा वक़्त नही
८० साल तो बस समय है, ज़िंदगी नही…

Indian Woman's Musings · Life

You’re Never With The ‘Right’ Person. You Just Become Right For Each Other

July 28, 2017July 29, 2017 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

Some questions I frequently see my friends ask, are – Am I with the right person? Is he perfect for me? Are we made for each other?

Honestly, while the questions may be perfect, the answers never are. I am no pro at relationships, but from what I have understood about life is – you are never in a “perfect” situation. You just have to think you are. Eventually, you become ‘perfect’ for each other.

We are all on our respective journey of self-discovery, and it takes time to learn things and become sensible. If you have followed my blog previously, you will see that I have gone from depressed to angry, to disillusioned to meditative. That’s part and parcel of being human. And that’s partly the answer to this question about who’s perfect for you – honestly, no one is. No one can insert a square peg into a round hole. Especially when you’re changing as a person every single day.

As I said before, I am no pro at relationships. But there are some fundamental things I have learnt which I would like to share, so that you can stop asking yourself questions and start living the answers 🙂

Understand your partner

We all are rational and we do every thing with a thought attached to it. No one does anything ‘stupid’, there’s always a reason to it. If your partner ever leaves you, it’s not because he wants to leave you. It’s because he has a reason for it. Try and understand your partner. He/She will eventually understand you. There’s no perfect law for a balanced relationship, but a calm mind which understands before taking action always wins.

Don’t hate your partner, in fact, try and see small signs of love which will calm your mind. Slowly, but steadily, you will learn to appreciate your partner for all their good qualities, understand them better, and in turn, help them understand you.

If you are ever angry at your partner, try and understand their action. Until and unless they are harming you, it’s never a bad idea to understand and let go, isn’t it? Take time off, breathe, think. You will understand your partner better and appreciate them for who they are, instead of chiding them for not being who you want them to be.

2. Let opinions thrive

It’s always a good thing if your partner has opinions. It’s even better when they stand by them. That way, you know you’re dating someone sensible, and not a rock. Have discussions with your partner on their opinions, but don’t fight. Always remember that it’s good that your partner has a thought process. Try to imagine dating someone without one. How would you feel if that partner always said ‘Yes Sir’ or ‘Yes Ma’am’ to everything? Not that exciting, right?

3. Learn to let go

We all make mistakes in a relationship. Multiple mistakes make us feel that the person is not ‘right’ for us. The easiest thing is to let go. It’s also the toughest thing, especially if you feel that your partner has wronged you. But, always retrospect and think – if my partner is that bad, why am I with them? If the answer isn’t something concrete, then let go of the mistakes.

Another mistake we generally tend to make is letting other people and their opinions create dark clouds in the relationship. Learn to completely trust your partner and let go of what others say. This way, the only people in the relationship will be you two, and your habit of letting go will just make the relationship simpler for you.

4. You can face problems if you are together

A common mistake we make in relationships is to think that our partner won’t stand up for us, or won’t take care of us. Don’t place the onus of your happiness completely on someone. Remember, problems will arise but you can only fight them if things between you two are on good terms. Fight with your partner, and you will just fight even more when problems arise – and it will make fighting against problems harder!

5. Always be open to things

While it is necessary to be particular about your choices, always be open to possibilities. If your partner has an idea for something, don’t shut it down because it doesn’t fit with your mindset. Let those ideas and thoughts thrive. You need to always remember that those who genuinely love their partners would always want to see them happy. Then why fight over a small idea? The future is not written – we write it. And you can only write your future with your partner if he/she is happy in your company.

This doesn’t mean the onus to make a relationship work is completely on you. Your partner too needs to realise your worth to make your relationship work. However, if implemented, these thought processes will benefit you, not harm you or make you any weaker. Every one of us out there is looking for a loved one, and it’s nice to make some room for them without standing all by yourself, isn’t it?

P.S – These are not gold standards. These are just things I have learnt from my experience. If you have any other thoughts, please do share. It’s always lovely to have others add to the beauty we have in life and share their learnings! 🙂

Indian Woman's Musings · Life

Yes, all we’re looking for is love from someone else

February 14, 2017February 14, 2017 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

It’s Valentine’s day, that we all know. A day to celebrate love, get angry at the concept of love or just let life flow without any thought about the “significance” of the day. I, like many others, have decided to spend this day at home. Randomly musing after many-a-fortnight, I decided to pen my thoughts on love.

Love is a difficult emotion. For the longest time, I thought it was something selfless, a feeling where you can lose your heart (and maybe soul) to one person, who comes to mean the whole world to you. Gradually, I understood it was more my maternal instinct speaking than really “love”. Mothers unconditionally “love” their children. That can be called “love”. But, what is this “other” love that the world just seems to be so obsessed about?

Going through social media feed is a pain, for seeing photos of couples either with engagement rings or marriage certificates with the hashtag #love or #loveyouforever doesn’t make any sense to me. How can a personal emotion be so easily quantifiable? I tried to understand my dilemma through films. Maybe popular culture could quantify love for me in some way.

So, I went to watch La La Land. This year’s most iconic movie, tied with Titanic for the maximum number of oscars (14) and apparently the best musical ever made (contentious). Having seen it the first time with a Marvel-lover engineer friend, the experience didn’t quite leave an impact on me. So this time, I went with my PhD in Sociology friend. Hopefully her deep insights into human society could help.

Halfway through the movie, I felt nothing. I understood why Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling were attracted to each other, but I couldn’t bring the word “love” to my lips. Maybe I am just a noob who needs time to understand – but I really want to – how does one know that they are in love?

Love and relationships seem to be antithetical to each other. Love wants to be selfless, relationships are meant to be selfish. Why would we want to be with someone unless they always make us happy? Selflessness might bring misery, for no one’s perfect. Then, by that logic, the “love” in a relationship isn’t selfless, right?

Society defines love as a gust of wind that blows you off your feet, sends you into a parallel universe where everything is perfect and nothing can harm you. Then why are relationships facing boring questions like who’s paying the rent this time around, and why the hell should I cook for you?

Love has always been a utopia for people, and artists have just taken this insecurity as an opportunity to gain traction for their creativity. Films like La La Land or Titanic get made because we want to believe that there is that someone out there with whom we will have an epic relationship, something that came like a blast and stuck like a glue.

Romance in the modern day world faces tougher questions than ever before. Now, relationships don’t embody compromise, adjustment. We have big dreams and many-a-times relationships don’t fit into them. I have woken up many mornings when I have wondered whether my ambition will keep me lonely for the rest of my life. For I am ready to move to any place for a good job, but will my love move with me everywhere?

Modern-day relationships are more about finding yourself, rather than finding ourselves. Between 20 to 25, I have seen myself change every year, change my taste every year. My struggles defined me, but they also made me change my mood, my way of thinking. Imagine a movie on this. How will such a girl find “love”? Her dilemmas are enough to drive people away. But that is reality. When critics scream for “realistic” cinema, do they realise that if their demand is fulfilled, a morbid cinema might just make them flinch and change their profession altogether?

On a lighter note, lets not trash love altogether. Lets stop defining it for a change. If you’re in love, love it. But try understanding it first. For you may not realize it, sometimes, all you are looking for is love from someone else, but it first has to come from you.

On a happier note: Happy Valentine’s day folks. Those who took out time to read this story, here’s a gift for you:

Life

Respect Your Woman. Because If She Loves You, She Will Die For You, But If You Treat Her Like Sh*t, She Will Kill You

July 17, 2016July 17, 2016 perpetualdreamer1 Comment

An angry title. Yes, angry me is back. But this time, not for an intellectual cause to further my political thoughts. This time, I am back to make a very important point.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend who had gotten out of a very messy relationship. I asked her what went wrong. She said, and I quote her exact words, “films and popular culture teach us to completely give into our desires and make our entire life and its existence revolve around our partner. I realized that wasn’t the case, and this was a lie, so we broke up.”

Back then, I was in la-la land. New job, new people, new city, close to a guy I loved. My friend made sense, but unfortunately those golden words weren’t passed on as common sense.

I was told by a guy very curtly, roughly 6 months back, that he doesn’t respect me. As a woman in India, you grow up with two things – patriarchy and male egos. You are made to believe that family comes first for a woman, career comes second. Male egos need to be satisfied, right from that instance when your father doesn’t let you wear a particular outfit to when your boyfriend expects you to move for him. In my case, the importance of the word ‘respect’ arose once I lost it.

Women are emotional creatures. A lot of us nowadays suppress our emotions, because once it got the better of us. It happened with me too. Women are not taught this, but it is something that is part and parcel of being a woman. You love unconditionally. Yes there are fights, arguments, ego clashes, but the woman is still willing to lay her life for you. You aren’t related to her by blood, nor the father of her children, yet she unconditionally loves you, as long as she is with you.

Many may disagree, and they are free to, after all it’s a democratic space. But I am speaking about the emotions I harbored in my personal space and I would like to believe that many women out there are like me, so that this helps me.

My story was one of pain. I fell in love with a guy I thought was ‘awesome’, because he saw the potential in me that even my parents had missed. He made me feel special. But, somewhere down the line, the respect evaporated into control, and it became a scenario of right vs. wrong. My perspective became the wrong, his the right. Because, he was awesome. I wasn’t. I was still ‘struggling’ professionally, he was running a race to the finish line. And I didn’t figure there, in fact anywhere except the margin, where I was marginalized for a reason even I didn’t understand.

I remember him mentioning other men/women as ‘awesome’, ‘amazing’, ‘capable’, ‘talented’, ‘rare’. I didn’t figure in these descriptions even once. Yes, once or twice he mentioned that he loved me and my work was good, but apart from solitary mentions, it was always about how I should improve, how I should change, for my own betterment. Once or twice, when I got angry, he would say things to please me. It never felt like it came from the heart, and that scared me.

I am a very outspoken person, who likes voicing my opinions. Yes, it leads to disagreement with others, but that is my personal issue with them. Living with him became a constant fear of how he will always take me to a corner and chide me for saying something in an authoritative tone, because he was worried about what others will say to me. So, I should change. Because it’s better I do. I started ingraining these thoughts, as I thought he would leave me, if I didn’t. Never for once did it strike me, that if he does, the break up won’t affect him one bit.

There were days when I retaliated. But I didn’t stop loving him. My heart still wept when I saw him ill, when I saw him upset for a code he couldn’t write. However, my tears made no difference to him. It was always about how I couldn’t get my shit together, and how I needed to change.

I saw dreams with him, you know. Dreams that we will build a family together, lead a life as equals. For me, equality never meant within the professional space. It meant being given equal treatment when we were together. It meant telling me, ‘you’re special’, ‘you’re precious’ and ‘you’re beautiful’.

This may sound like vanity, but isn’t this what we dream of? A person who makes us feel special every single day for who and what we are. If I was willing to put in that effort, why was he being heartless? Was I with the wrong guy?

My heart kept telling me he will turn a new leaf. He will one day see my guileless love, hug me, and say, “I can’t imagine my life without you.” But, no. The only place he seemed interested in was getting physical, and for me, love meant a connection.

It’s easy to prioritize other people over your family. Because parents are such people who never can leave you, because you are theirs, and theirs completely. But what about your partners? You can choose your partners, right? Isn’t it necessary to prioritize that partner on her special day, instead of putting 10 other people ahead of her?

On my birthday, he faced a problem in his office, so he chose to ruin my dinner. When I reprimanded him, it became a case of how I am insensitive towards his problems. When he dumped me because he didn’t respect me, I had to keep quiet about it. When he came back into my life, he was willing to say certain things to keep me happy for some time, but I didn’t have the right to shout at him when I got upset at his wrong-doing.

Women love unconditionally, and then they get abused for it. Men choose to ignore the women they love, but these women refuse to forget them.

You refuse to understand my love, that a woman’s broken heart are pieces of her past she is picking up for her survival. Don’t trample on them too, believing you have the right to do so.

I want to heal, but is it a crime if I am asking to be loved and cared for at a trying time, when I am mending my broken heart, that is yet to stop weeping? Is it a crime if I ask him to give me that importance he refused to show me for so long? And is it a crime if I ask him to love me and understand me, instead of getting angry?

He won’t and he can’t change. And I can’t imagine living my life like this. I can’t live without him, yet I can’t live with him. For two days, he apologizes when I cry about the past, then on the third day, he feels I am the one who locked myself up in the room, so I am the one who needs to get over that.

I can’t write anymore, this man has blocked my system. I choke, I feel under-confident. I want to love myself, and respect my work, but he destroyed it all, walked away in the fire and then came back thinking everything will work, exactly the way he wanted it.

No, my love. This time I won’t burn alone. I will kill what is left of both of us, and till you don’t die from inside the way I did, I won’t rest in peace.