Why I believe I am my own enemy.

Apologies for being away for so long. Its been a long time since I took up the pen to pen down my thoughts. Primarily because I was suffering from the writer’s block. But this writer’s block isn’t something that came up because of my inability to pen down my thoughts, hell no. This was a self-imposed exile out of which it took me nearly two months to realise that a self-imposed hibernation would be better rather than an exile, because an exile isn’t a choice – hibernation is.

For many months, I have been struggling to grasp the true meaning of life. As a liberated woman (at least I tend to think of myself that way), I always grasped life as something I can lead on ‘my terms’. But over the course of some months, I realised that life is the worst thing mankind has to live through. Its got too many rules, too many struggles, too many hardships – you name it. Doesn’t it anger you when you feel helpless, or useless, or unsuccessful, especially when you know you don’t deserve it? Doesn’t it hurt to see someone else deriving so much happiness out of their little life, by being stable, strong and calm?

Why can’t I be like that? Why isn’t my life like that? Isn’t life what we make of it? Aren’t we taught since we were children that hard work reaps success?

Angered by these thoughts, I sought recourse in killing the only thing that I loved the most – writing. Or typing, since I maintain an online blog.

I have been hurt by many things over the past couple of months. First by my ego, two by my foolishness. Ego because it made me disrespectful, angry, made me overexpectant, irrational, hateful, depressed. My foolishness because I let myself believe that others are responsible for my actions. Those who loved me, stopped staying by my side, because even they got tired for being blamed for my actions, when they could clearly see I was in the wrong.

Was I?

The problem with getting an education abroad is that you tend to expect too much from yourself. A fancy, expensive education prepares you for a lifetime of struggle/happiness in the maddening corporate world. The girl in me wanted to pursue my dream of becoming a writer, the woman in me realised that writing would only happen if I had money.

So, that made me angry. Expectant. Foolish. And hungry for the wrong things.

I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. But I do know this – I want to document each and every emotion that passes through me on this blog, because it is the document of my existential crisis. Many of you or maybe some of you might be facing these conflicting emotions on a daily basis, and I want you to know that there is someone out there who is exactly like you.

Complicated beings like us are tough to comprehend, understand. I know I will be slogging away at a corporate house in a couple of months maybe, but stability may bring me happiness. But, for how long? I have created a barrier in my head that butts out happiness – but is that who I am? Is this all a part of growing up? If it is, why is it so painful?

Should I release it all by choosing the easier path of life? But what is the easier path of life?

My writing skills go unnoticed at the hands of those willing to monetise on my skills. But what are my skills? My face looks into the mirror and doesn’t recognize itself. What am I good at? I don’t know. Maybe I do, but my mind is blocked. I thought I could follow my passion, but low pay and bad behaviour made me quit. I think I can survive in a bad, mad corporate world, but I may change my mind in the future too. Does that make me defocused and shallow? Can I respect myself?

All these thoughts run through my head – not because I like wasting time, but because I need answers. I sometimes do feel at peace with myself at times – I feel calm, I feel like nothing can harm me. Then, am I my own enemy? I don’t know.

If I do figure it out, I will let you know. And if I don’t, I still will.

 

 

 

 

Why some things are never meant to be. And it hurts.

Today I decided to write this note, not in pain, but in realisation. Realisation of the fact that some things are not meant to be with you forever.

I guess this is something we all know. But are we all under the impression that our friends will be with us forever?

I know, this will seem like another one of those rants – you come alone, go alone, stop bothering about people who don’t matter. But then some will think it’s one of those rants where I will go on about how friends are the only things that matter.

Actually, it’s neither.

Over time, as a person we all change. I will tell you what I learnt from my experience, knowing that its way little for a person as young as me. But, still.

There are some friends you make for life. You think its all perfect, things between you will never change.

And there are some in them with whom you never have fights.

Some with whom you always fight.

Some you always hang out with.

Some you talk over the phone with.

And all of them are your life’s constants.

Flipping through the huge photo files of my friends on Facebook, some of them who have stayed together for years and always seem to assemble at the drop of a hat – I always feel the loneliness hit me hard.

Is it because my friends no longer love me or I have changed? I don’t think so.

No. It’s because we all now have our own goals to accomplish in life and friendship is right now a mere word to remember those memories that we had years ago.

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I know soon things will change to the extent that we will next see our close friend’s getting married. And maybe we won’t be able to make it for that event too. I always thought that Ye Jawaani Hai Deewani is the worst film I have seen ever. But that movie was about life. About how life’s perspectives change, if not people.

I know a dear, lost friend of mine must be reading this right now, thinking what I am thinking too. How she wants to reach out for that phone and make a plan, but has her own circle of life to attend to.

Why can’t things be simpler? But it can’t be.

And I don’t blame anybody.

Life within a closed space is fun when you all have the same ambitions. But afterwards, its all about bumping into each other. Even for close friends. Howmuchever WhatsApp or Facebook ‘aims’ to connect you, its never going to be the same thing. Seeing your friend enjoying himself/herself elsewhere with a different set of ‘acquaintances’ will just make you feel like a moron for not meeting that friend.

I always thought some things would remain constant.

As you change as a person, some people like you for who you are, some people don’t. When I meet those same friends after many years, I sense a distance, a time lost. Its not about not different college experiences, this is a difference in life. Tears well up when you see an old friend calling, sometimes tears well up thinking about an old friend who was close just a year back, but grew distant in a matter of months.

Tears well up when your friend reaches out to you, but not for a meet-up, for work.

These tears are ever flowing.

Loneliness and isolation is a major part of ‘growing up’. There comes a point when you don’t have anyone to share anything with, not even your loved ones. Maybe picking up that one phone to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you are lonely or your friends are distant isn’t possible.

What I have realised is that we all are not alone, but bonds hurt. Having expectations hurt even more.

There are those who make relationships work, who don’t lose touch with friends, those who receive every bit of that love they want. Yet there are many who are deprived. Why this disbalance?

We choose the life we want, but do we choose the sadness that comes with it?

I don’t think we should blame everything to karma. Sometimes fate is a bitch too.