Indian Woman's Musings · Life

Pay Your Dues, But Don’t Serve The Sentence.

It takes a long time to figure out what you want to be. It takes even longer to figure out how you want people to treat you. When you’re a child, you have to be content with people treating you a certain way, primarily because you’re dependent on others for your health and well-being. But, once you grow up, is it a bad thing to expect basic things such as sensitivity and respect from others?

I find it hard to communicate with my family on many occasions. Have you also been there? My parents are good people, but not sensitive. That has led me to the state where I no longer want to tell them about my problems, because they will never turn around and ask me how I am, rather they will start giving me anecdotes about what I can and should do correctly.

At 26, I no longer want to be told what to do, or who to be. I know that already. I just want someone to give me a hug when I want it, give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it, so that I can pick myself up and deal with my problems myself. But somehow, I feel very alone. And now I think I will be for the rest of my life.

The thing you’re never taught while growing up is how lonely life is. If we tell our children to be prepared for a life alone, perhaps it will make it easier for them to deal with depression and anxiety issues. Or, maybe not. I crave a lot for some company that can give me a hug and tell me it’s all going to be okay. But I have reached that stage of life that even a hug makes me untrustworthy or unnerved, because I know that it’s temporary. Everything in life is temporary, except your existence.

Many people ask me why I love the songs of Queen. Because Queen’s songs hit the recesses of your soul. Queen is a band for the marginalized, for those who feel different, feel left out. I am definitely paying my dues, and also serving an undeserved sentence. Is it my fault that people around me have failed to love me or have I failed in garnering their love? Such thoughts consume me as I contemplate the next step of my life.

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I don’t talk about these things in fear that people will presume that I find it difficult to stay happy. In fact, I am always happy, externally, but with a swirling wind inside that is destroying everything and making me hollow. I don’t know if I can define this as sadness. It’s not sadness, actually. It’s the actualization of a new emotion where you accept your circumstances and your fate.

I know that I am growing distant from my family. I have never fit into their definition of a perfect child.  I have my complaints too. But I can’t tell them because they will feel that I am always complaining and being inconsiderate. ‘Inconsiderate’, ‘selfish’, ‘angry’, ‘self-centered’ – these words are used freely by all of us without considering the amount of damage it is wrecking in the person in front of us. I sometimes wonder if I would want children. I know that I will also probably be this cold when my child comes to me with their problem. I am used to being told to not talk about problems. Probably I will be the same with my child, and that thought scares me. It’s tough to feel bad and not be able to tell your mother, because you know that she won’t respond with a cursory, ‘are you alright, dear’. You know that the response will be standard procedure. I am busy, I have work, or focus on your work and everything will be okay, stop making an issue about little things, etcetera.

Sometimes, you do need help. And it’s okay. It’s okay to love someone and give them a bit of compassionate love. It’s okay to tell them, ‘you will be fine, I am there for you.’ I feel that in this materialistic world, we have forgotten to love. We believe in nothing but self-gain, self-respect and self-appreciation. As I switch off my phone, I wonder whether I should even turn it on. I wonder what’s the point of communicating with people who don’t even want to make the effort to connect with you. But a hope remains that one day I will surround myself with people who are considerate and affectionate. Yes, I am emotional and yes, I like having emotional people around me, because without emotions, this world will be a desert and our emotions will be a sand dune, being bashed around by those who don’t believe in loving or living.

I turn on the radio and a Queen song is playing. I smile and agree with Freddie Mercury. “I consider it a challenge before the whole human race and I ain’t gonna lose. We are the champions, my friend. And we’ll keep on fighting till the end.” I am tired of being starved of love. Time to switch off from those who don’t understand you, even if they are family. If they love you, they will eventually come around and try to understand you. If they don’t, then don’t try. You can never mould people into the shapes you want them in. Just accept that you’re different, and move on.

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Life · Opinionated · Uncategorized

Boredom and how to get rid of it. No, seriously.

Are those people who lead monotonous lives boring? Is it always amazing, or ‘awesome’ to have something ‘happening’ going on in your life?

As I look forward to another weekend with nothing much to do apart from type furiously into my laptop, I wonder whether my 20’s shall be spent in solitude till one day my family gets annoyed of that existence and “marries me off”. Till then, how do I pass my time?

I decided to take the easy road – enroll for a course. Nah, one or two assignments were enough to make me realise that I value online courses more than the classroom stuff now. I am just not cut out for exams as they are boring and don’t pay. What else do I do?

I attended a couple of film screenings, went to parks alone, read books at a cafe. But I still got bored and started dwindling my thumbs. I may be moaning about a first world problem, but this is actually the case with many people of my generation today. Sometimes I wonder whether my friends got married out of pure boredom.

The point is – everything gets monotonous after a while. The job, the people, your partner, the house, the car, even Netflix. You can eat all the burgers you want, but you tire out of them too. You cook for a couple of days out of enthusiasm, but then you give it up because doing something cool everyday just takes the coolness quotient out of it. You even decided to try your hand at a new relationship, but lets face it – after you know a person too well, they become boring for you.

What explains this mass boredom of my generation? My parents were 25 once too, I am sure, but all they talk about back then was babies and responsibilities. The early fruition of so many problems never made people of my parent’s generation sit down and think about life-changing thoughts like what I am writing about right now. Hell yeah, I am sure my mother must have been concerned more about giving birth to me right now than having a boredom-related crisis.

It’s not easy living alone in a city, going to work and coming back to an empty house, living the same moronic life, every single day. Shopping occasionally brings some happiness, some men (don’t want to stereotype), idle their time away by waiting for the iPhone X to release. The point is – boredom is everywhere. How does one deal with it?

A colleague of mine once posed a question to me – if we have lived our life till now happily, but the existence ahead seems boring, long and dreadful, then why live it? What’s the point of living another 50 years in monotony?

Her question was tempting at that point of time, the answer even more tempting. But I am used to living life now, how do I end it? Plus religion and moral values come into play. Till 3 years ago, I used to tire myself by thinking about having a boyfriend. Now, that’s done too. What more? Not marriage, that’s boring too. Not alcohol, had enough of it already. Smoking? Isn’t the air of Delhi enough?

I understand that I am a privileged young woman posing existential crisis questions about 25 year olds working at MnCs who have nothing else to do with their life but complain. But, think of it. Aren’t we slowly becoming that western society whose individualism we despise as Indians? Economic independence has made everyone distant and by living alone, we do become self-centered to a certain level. The urban society of India is no different than a lonely life in New York City or London. How long before you Brooklyn bridge tires you out and London Bridge loses its sheen? I have lived in London, and started picking faults in the city the moment the weather turned bleak there. Now, I want to go back and live there someday, but the thought of living completely alone scares me.

I know I should be used to this boring, lonely life, but somehow I feel there’s a certain colour in it too. Think about it. You have the freedom and the choice to do whatever the fuck you want to. You can get up at 1 pm on weekends, give zero fucks about doing your laundry, go without shaving for a month and not be told off. I think its just a matter of perspective. Whenever I feel bored, I tell myself a very simple thing nowadays – will this day come back again? Maybe it won’t, so I might as well make the best of it. I am bored, but at least this boredom got me to think about something. Tomorrow, life might pass by in a flash without me even knowing it, and I won’t even get time to breathe. So till then, amigos, breathe free, for you never know – you might miss this existential crisis someday.

P.S – I honestly feel everybody who crosses their 20’s should be given a prize. Like, seriously.