The Power Of Redemption (And Revenge)

July 1, 2018October 14, 2018 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

I’ll be honest with all of you. I have refrained from writing for the past six months as I had been spending it in deep reflection of my character traits. I was trying to reform whatever was “wrong” with me, focusing on being happy and trying to channelise my energies in the right direction. Around this time, last year, someone terrible had done something horrific to me, which has taken me over a year to get over.

A friend of mine had told me this time last year, “why do women feel something is wrong with them when they go through a break-up?”. I had felt those same emotions, when a man decided to take matters in his hands and tell me that we couldn’t work things out because we weren’t “compatible”. I spent months trying to figure out how I could “fix” things and get back together with him, but each time I tried to reform myself, he behaved in a worse manner with me, in one instance, even going to the extent of threatening me. (I even penned a poem for him, wondering if I could ever work out things with someone else, because he had made me believe that something was wrong with me).

Today, I am going to speak up about abuse and I am going to tell you what was not (and never) wrong with me. The past year has taught me that nothing was wrong with me, but that everything was wrong with HIM. He was a narcissist, and it took me 4 years of abuse to finally realise it. Never believe someone when they tell you that you have a problem. I believe we all have our demons, but if the person in front feels that he’s “picture perfect” and you’re the one with all the problems, then that’s the time to run away from that relationship as far away as possible.

The man I unfortunately loved abused me to the extent of driving me insane. He made me believe I have anger issues, and I can’t hang out with other people properly. He made me question my social skills, even my value to the society because I wasn’t as “smart” as him. He used to chide me for not being “respectful” enough towards his friends and even told me once that I am capable of holding a grudge against anybody because that’s my nature. All the time, he made sure that I could not say anything in return because according to him, ‘he was calm, and I was too emotional to handle’. Yes, he was calm, especially when he was abusive. He never shed a tear for when he hurt me, his eyes were always quite hollow. So I guess, he was quite a calm person. Perfect to be a serial killer.

Today, when my friends hug me for being myself, and people in office want to hang out with me for who I am, I doubt myself. I think they will probably see some bad side of mine and run away. But I have come to terms with the fact that I was a victim of narcissist abuse for years, which is why I now doubt myself. I will take time to heal, but when I do, I am sure I will be so strong that no one can ever make me doubt myself. I am glad I got rid of him and his circle of narcissistic friends, who made life harder for me by abusing me further when he dumped me, because hey ladies, when one guy abuses you, the others have the right to be shit to you too?!

I have wanted the best for people and I genuinely don’t hold malice against people. But, today when I see that man suffering, I feel so, so happy. I want to tell the Universe to punish him more. For every time he physically hurt me, he should receive that pain. For every time he told me something was wrong with me, his faults should be detailed to him by the world. And I know the Universe is listening to me, because today that man is suffering for a terrible deed he has done. And I didn’t even need to do anything to make him suffer. The Universe took care of it. Today, people don’t want to be associated with him, and his friends are chilling as if nothing happened. Hey, the same friends who once stood up for him and said that he was “sensible” for abusing me.

I hope your suffering goes on. You’re a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to be with anybody. You’re dominating, narcissistic, greedy and abusive. I don’t think I would ever want another woman to face what I did. I know you view women just as an object of lust and I want the world to know that.

I wonder how a woman like me, who’s strong headed and has an opinion, became a victim of abuse. But abuse can happen to anybody. Just because I speak my mind, doesn’t mean I can’t be abused. For years, I couldn’t walk away from an abusive man, who treated me like shit, dumped me whenever he wanted to, and came back whenever he wanted to. I feel terrible that I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. But whenever I did, he used to beg me to stay around. He begged so hard, it sometimes made me believe that he loved me. To be honest, it’s tough to walk away from someone you have known for so long and especially when they make you believe that if you reform yourself, everything will get better. Sometimes, you don’t see the cracks, even if the world does. It only takes pain and insult to see the reality and lift the veil of stupidity from your face. I spent many years smiling through the pain and now I wonder, I could have saved myself so many years of utter nonsense that I didn’t deserve to endure!

I hope you’re reading this right now and your blood is boiling. But I know that the world will now listen to me, and not you. You thought that just because you had money, everyone would flock to you. Look what happened. You know how you’ve destroyed your life and trust me, no one’s happier than me.

I know I shouldn’t gloat on someone’s distress, but sometimes, you need to get revenge. You can’t seek it yourself, but when you get it, you feel really good. I feel so glad that I got out of your life and I am not suffering as collateral damage for your sins.

I want all girls out there to know that if he ever tells you that you’re not worth it, then leave him. You deserve better. If he tells you that you both weren’t compatible (especially after he’s met your parents and technically made it official), give him a slap on the face and never, ever look back. If he tells you he’s found someone he’s given his heart and soul to and he can’t share his heart with you anymore (just weeks after breaking up with you), laugh on his face, show him the middle finger, and walk away. If he ever talks shit about your family and then chides you for getting angry at him, kick him in the balls. Also, if he behaves like shit with you, especially in front of other people, and then sends you an SMS to apologise because he just doesn’t believe in saying sorry in person, you really, really need to FORGET and become indifferent to such a person. He basically gloats from your distress and gets happiness from your misery and such people don’t deserve your attention. You’re too beautiful to associate yourself with such a monster.

Do all the things I didn’t do, and your life will be so much better. It’s better to die single than to be stuck with an abusive bastard who doesn’t value you. Such men are basically the worst segment of the society, and deserve to die alone. And they will, don’t worry.

If you’ve ever been abused, don’t be afraid to speak out. Today, I feel proud when I meet another man and I can honestly tell him what I have been through. I am not scared of what he will think of me. I know what I have been through and I am confident it won’t happen again. Because I won’t let it happen. This time, I will choose wisely.

Also, ladies, red flag – if he ever tells you that his mother never found fault in him – run away as far as possible. The man has a false sense of manhood and superiority and probably is a narcissist if you scratch the surface. He will not only ruin your mental peace and life, but also project you as the villain in the relationship. Because, ladies, his mother never found fault in him! So no one else can!

And if you ever do find fault in him, he will very smartly pretend to be all nice in front of other people and incite you into saying something so that others see that you’re the villain in the relationship, not him. Makes it easier for him to dump you (my dearest ex abuser, you think I didn’t notice that? I did, and I am so glad that now no self-respecting woman will ever want to be with you. Your tactics are out there for the world to see now).

P.S – I am doing a favour to you by not disclosing your name to the world. Be happy about that. I wish you the best for your life, which you have ruined anyway, so I guess not much is left of it now.

To end by quoting Taylor Swift:

“the world moves on, another drama, but all I need, all I can think about is Karma. Maybe one thing is for sure, maybe I got mine but you’ll all get yours“.

You already did. And it’s the happiest day of my life. __|__

Boredom and how to get rid of it. No, seriously.

November 10, 2017November 10, 2017 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

Are those people who lead monotonous lives boring? Is it always amazing, or ‘awesome’ to have something ‘happening’ going on in your life?

As I look forward to another weekend with nothing much to do apart from type furiously into my laptop, I wonder whether my 20’s shall be spent in solitude till one day my family gets annoyed of that existence and “marries me off”. Till then, how do I pass my time?

I decided to take the easy road – enroll for a course. Nah, one or two assignments were enough to make me realise that I value online courses more than the classroom stuff now. I am just not cut out for exams as they are boring and don’t pay. What else do I do?

I attended a couple of film screenings, went to parks alone, read books at a cafe. But I still got bored and started dwindling my thumbs. I may be moaning about a first world problem, but this is actually the case with many people of my generation today. Sometimes I wonder whether my friends got married out of pure boredom.

The point is – everything gets monotonous after a while. The job, the people, your partner, the house, the car, even Netflix. You can eat all the burgers you want, but you tire out of them too. You cook for a couple of days out of enthusiasm, but then you give it up because doing something cool everyday just takes the coolness quotient out of it. You even decided to try your hand at a new relationship, but lets face it – after you know a person too well, they become boring for you.

What explains this mass boredom of my generation? My parents were 25 once too, I am sure, but all they talk about back then was babies and responsibilities. The early fruition of so many problems never made people of my parent’s generation sit down and think about life-changing thoughts like what I am writing about right now. Hell yeah, I am sure my mother must have been concerned more about giving birth to me right now than having a boredom-related crisis.

It’s not easy living alone in a city, going to work and coming back to an empty house, living the same moronic life, every single day. Shopping occasionally brings some happiness, some men (don’t want to stereotype), idle their time away by waiting for the iPhone X to release. The point is – boredom is everywhere. How does one deal with it?

A colleague of mine once posed a question to me – if we have lived our life till now happily, but the existence ahead seems boring, long and dreadful, then why live it? What’s the point of living another 50 years in monotony?

Her question was tempting at that point of time, the answer even more tempting. But I am used to living life now, how do I end it? Plus religion and moral values come into play. Till 3 years ago, I used to tire myself by thinking about having a boyfriend. Now, that’s done too. What more? Not marriage, that’s boring too. Not alcohol, had enough of it already. Smoking? Isn’t the air of Delhi enough?

I understand that I am a privileged young woman posing existential crisis questions about 25 year olds working at MnCs who have nothing else to do with their life but complain. But, think of it. Aren’t we slowly becoming that western society whose individualism we despise as Indians? Economic independence has made everyone distant and by living alone, we do become self-centered to a certain level. The urban society of India is no different than a lonely life in New York City or London. How long before you Brooklyn bridge tires you out and London Bridge loses its sheen? I have lived in London, and started picking faults in the city the moment the weather turned bleak there. Now, I want to go back and live there someday, but the thought of living completely alone scares me.

I know I should be used to this boring, lonely life, but somehow I feel there’s a certain colour in it too. Think about it. You have the freedom and the choice to do whatever the fuck you want to. You can get up at 1 pm on weekends, give zero fucks about doing your laundry, go without shaving for a month and not be told off. I think its just a matter of perspective. Whenever I feel bored, I tell myself a very simple thing nowadays – will this day come back again? Maybe it won’t, so I might as well make the best of it. I am bored, but at least this boredom got me to think about something. Tomorrow, life might pass by in a flash without me even knowing it, and I won’t even get time to breathe. So till then, amigos, breathe free, for you never know – you might miss this existential crisis someday.

P.S – I honestly feel everybody who crosses their 20’s should be given a prize. Like, seriously.

history · Indian education · Indian Woman's Musings · Opinionated

History Never Teaches Us The Monstrosity Of War…

July 31, 2017February 9, 2019 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

Many conflicting emotions have been playing in my head since I saw Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk. For a history student, watching one of the greatest director’s alive make a war movie was nothing short of a spectacular experience. But, something died in me the moment I finished watching the film. And I have been trying to pen it down since then.

History is taught to us as a boring, drab subject in school. In college, one can love the discipline because there are so many ways to interpret the ways of men (and women). But what is never taught to us is how monstrous war is. How it never fetches anyone any happiness, it creates only misery.

The worst invention of humankind is war – for it discriminates between no one when it sets out to destroy.

Those men in Dunkirk – they weren’t out there for patriotism. They just wanted to go home. The larger-than-life pictures which we are fed of celebrating soldiers, their love for the motherland, patriotism – honestly, it’s all just a bunch of lies.

No emotion is greater than one’s love to live and I am glad Nolan made that point loud and clear in Dunkirk.

No one wants to die – especially on the battlefield. It’s a brutal life these people, the youth of the 1940’s lived, so that we can see our future today.

Realising that I am walking on the dead bodies of so many young people, whose sacrifice made me who I am today, made me feel grateful for my life. And sad. No one deserves war, no one deserves a youth where the biggest concern is finding a way to live before you get bombed. Yet, we still are on the verge of going to war today. We still are ungrateful for what we have, for the sacrifices unwillingly made by so people.

Look at the sky. Imagine seeing a plane and being scared. Imagine the sea gulping you down because humans decided to use it as a weapon against you by building torpedoes. We have misused nature to gain, and unfortunately, we still continue to blame and maim nature. After watching Dunkirk, I don’t get it why selling arms is a ‘lucrative’ trade. Honestly, those arms will one day land in the hands of an unwilling 16-year-old who has to fight a war he/she has no intention of fighting.

War divides, creates crevices. War kills. I don’t care if Dunkirk wasn’t giving me the sci-fi Kodak feel of Interstellar. Dunkirk is real, it’s brutal and it’s a reality. The Second World War was less a war against the Nazis and the Axis powers, it was more a war against our principles and the sanity of mankind. People were tested in myriad ways and mostly, we failed as a species.

What I learned from the film was that history shouldn’t be taken flimsily. The monstrosity of war should be taught to students, the bad images of war should be flashed in front of them every single day. The hunger, destruction and poverty war brings should be shown to us, so that no one even dreams of war or glorifies it ever again.

I want more directors like Nolan to reflect this side of war in their movies. Pearl Harbor wasn’t an amazing love story, War Machine isn’t a cool movie. War is not fun. Ask those who went through it. Or just look at Syria or the Philippines right now. Death can be avoided for those who want it, but only if we learn from history, unfortunately.

feminism · Feminist Musings · Indian Woman's Musings · Opinionated · Opinionated

Why A Woman’s Reproductive Right Will Never Be Her Own (And It’s Annoying TBH)

April 16, 2017 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

US President Donald Trump’s decision to cut funding for Planned Parenthood has brought out an important topic to the forum, AGAIN – Is a woman’s reproductive right her own? Who owns a woman’s womb? Rather, who should run it?

Motherhood is for sure a beautiful feeling, but for centuries, this debate has been propping up again and again – as to whether a woman has a right to kill the foetus developing inside her. Some countries, with their religious clout, have managed to kill women, who couldn’t be saved because of a pregnancy gone bad.

Which brings me to a very important question.

Dear men, who owns your dick?

No one, right? We worship it, we are excited when our family is blessed with one. If a man has absolute right over his body, why should a woman be denied a very basic right?

[I am not getting into the debate about women supporting “pro-life” arguments – because the social conditioning is such that some women believe religion can have absolute primacy over their body and their rights.]

Motherhood slows down women, it made them “homemakers” since the time of the stone age because babies began to be born with smaller brains and needed more care. Women were seen as the caretakers, instead of the men, since they took immense pain to give birth to the babies in the first place. All pain, no gain?

Women are told numerous things – giving birth to a baby is a great feeling, you aren’t complete unless you become a mother. Women who can’t give birth are shunned by society, pitied; women who refuse to give birth are considered worse.

Why aren’t young women taught that they are complete even if they don’t give birth? A woman is born complete, her womb is just another organ, what’s the need to always make a hue and cry of it?

Let me bring the stark reality to you, about abortions and about childbirth.

If a woman can decide to take birth, she can decide to not give birth. Even if the foetus has a “potential for life”, its her bloody problem, her womb, not YOUR matter.
Stop making women feel that abortions are a ‘cardinal sin’ – many women don’t give birth because they don’t want to deprive a child a life where the mother won’t be able to give much time to the child as much as she wants to. And sometimes, the man doesn’t want to take responsibility for the kid either.
A maternity leave is costly for an ambitious woman – as much as a mother loves her child, many times she can’t even her suckle her child as she has to head to work, or loses out on projects and promotions because she decided to give birth

As a child, I always considered women incredible. A woman juggles the responsibility of work and home, loves her job and child equally. But the society expects her to always smile through all her problems, take care of the child all by herself and at a convenient time, leave her job – because if she has a husband to pay the bills, why should she work?

I am scared for those thousands of young women across the world who are regular victims of moral policing on basic things such as their reproductive right.

It’s time this goddam discussion stops propping up. And those idiots with a stick up their arses need to understand that someone’s bedroom business isn’t theirs to pick.

feminism · Indian Woman's Musings · Opinionated

The Curious Case Of “Sexual Harassment At The Workplace” – Featuring Arunabh Kumar

March 15, 2017March 15, 2017 perpetualdreamer1 Comment

Don’t be baffled by the title. I agree it’s going to be another feminist rant about how men make women feel like they don’t belong in the workplace. But you know what?

IT’S TRUE.

Turns out it’s the 21st century and women still don’t feel safe at the workplace. A little birdie spread a rumour about sexual harassment at Uber’s office recently and that seems to have sparked off a series of news about this damning thing. I mean, how can literate men, fathers of little children, or even those in the corporate world for a sane number of years think of women as commodities who have to be cherry-picked for their preference at the workplace?

Turns out, it’s very much a thing of the present.

Before you get into a rant about how women are misusing their “privilege” to make innocent men fall into their trap, framing wrong allegations against them, let me get one point straight. Sexual harassment at the workplace – even if it’s a false allegation – has to be taken seriously. You can’t let a wrong-doer – male or female – pass by without giving justice to the one who has been affected.

Which brings me back to the topic again.

I wasn’t very horrified to read a particular Uber employee’s experience with her boss. He told her during a meeting when she disagreed with him – you’re here not because of your brains, but your looks. So shut up.

I don’t fail to understand anymore how a woman who looks pretty can even be considered worthwhile enough to work in an office space.

I mean, if she walks into the office in sneakers, you tell her to wear heels to accentuate her ass, right? She’s your property, isn’t she?

For the longest time, I have gone on feminist rants, talking about how women don’t deserve things, for it is their right as they are equal to men. But turns out I am just another feminist who’s banging her head against the wall. Writing blogs about topics instead of doing anything about it on ground.

Ahh, well. If chastising me gets your chauvinistic ass some peace, then so let be.

Lets talk about the day for a change. Today, I woke up like it was no other day. Accepting the fact that I was living in a patriarchal society. I opened the newspaper, hoping to read something decent about international politics to brighten up my day. Turns out, I, like many other privileged, literate, empowered women had to turn the pages of the newspaper only to read about TVF founder Arunabh Kumar’s attempt to sexually harass a female colleague.

Ahh, well. Another one bites the dust.

I am not saying he’s guilty, hell no. I don’t know what transpired between Arunabh and that particular lady in question (Indian Fowler, was she?). I was intrigued to see The Viral Fever’s response to the allegation. Take a look:

This is an official response from TVF on the anonymous article published on Medium by the Indian Fowler. The article is completely ludicrous and defamatory against TVF and its team.

All the allegations made against TVF and its team in the article are categorically false, baseless and unverified. We take a lot of pride in our team and in making TVF a safe workplace that is equally comfortable for women and men.

We will leave no stone unturned to find the author of the article and bring them to severe justice for making such false allegations.

It is our humble request that you do not to share an unsubstantiated, unverified and anonymous article such as this. We would like to thank all our fans and friends for their continued support.

Umm. Umm. WHAT?

I understand TVF is angry, but issue an open threat? How much desperate are you to save your founder rather than the brand?

As I understand, in the event of a sexual harassment allegation, the concerned company needs to immediately call a Vishakha committee to investigate the allegation. In fact, the company needs to have a sexual harassment redressal cell within the company so that these issues don’t come into the public forum and get resolved within the workplace.

Turns out that doesn’t happen and Indians still live in that archaic world where they believe that women have to sit at home, cook food for their husbands and be the prey of petty men who just feel entitled to prey on women. Because. It’s just so fucking normal. If women do come to work, they need to be stalked, harassed and asked for sexual favours for no woman should be doing a “man’s job”, I guess.

Again, I am digressing. Let us take a look at the allegations heaped on Arunabh –

He got drunk and tried to fall on the woman

Made ‘lewd’ advances

Told her he bought her from a red-light district

Even if these allegations are false, what we need to understand is that these things happen. Many women leave their jobs because of such people. They are forced to face these things on a daily basis on many occasions just because they want to earn their living. If they get too friendly with a man at the workplace or have a boyfriend, they are viewed as promiscuous. For which woman who has a brain and an opinion will not be “sleeping around” with everyone in sight?

If Arunabh is innocent, then the case of false sexual harassment will come to the surface. If he isn’t, then the issue of sexual harassment at the workplace needs to be tackled.

Indian companies like TVF are young, vibrant and attractive for young people. But today, if one company doesn’t take a stand, tomorrow thousands of women and men will stop/fear coming to the workplace for fear of injustice being meted out to them.

And like any other day, I have gone on a feminist rant, for my disillusion with the world around me has gone to the next level.

Amen.

feminism · Opinionated

Why Feminism Is Important For Men In India

December 17, 2016December 17, 2016 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

The title of this essay is very important. For it conveys a message very few people in India (apart from “card-carrying” feminists) acknowledge – the need for men to be feminist in this country. It’s a natural assumption for us in India to assume that any word with the first three letters ‘fem’ is meant for a woman. But it’s important for our men to realize that it’s time for them to let the feminist within them rise, and let their ego take a backseat.

Lets discuss the fundamental problem with men in India. A couple of points guys don’t keep in mind are (I don’t mean this in an offensive manner, this is just to educate those who never looked in-depth into their nature):

As a man you’re not entitled to anything (even if your mother or father made you believe so). You’re not “entitled” to harass a girl, her family, nor “entitled” to assume a larger status in society just because you’re a man
This is a generation of equal opportunities. Just because a woman in a middle-class household received an education and made good use of it, and you didn’t, doesn’t mean you can show her her true status as a ‘woman’ with your physical power
Physical prowess is not a sign of superiority

A very significant point that was missed in the India’s Daughter documentary that came out more than 2 years ago was the entire point of why the rapist raped Nirbhaya. He didn’t rape her in his need for sex, he didn’t rape her because he had a ‘rapist’ mentality or was disturbed. He raped her because she raised her voice, and offended him. How could a woman speak to a man like that? An education doesn’t entitle a woman or give her a right to insult a man?! She has to be shown her true place!

The fundamental problem with the framework of Indian society is our natural assumption as men that women have to be subservient to men and have to be shown their place at the opportune moment. If not in her office, then outside. ‘Aukaat’ dikha do.

Why don’t we evaluate each other as humans for a change? If women are willing to understand that men can make mistakes, then can’t men accept that the woman in front of them is a fellow human who has to be evaluated on her merit and not on the fact that she has been physically endowed with breasts and a womb?

It’s not uncommon for women in middle-class households who have degrees from good colleges to leave their jobs once they have a child. A womb is a woman’s biggest enemy in a society that treats child-bearing as solely a woman’s responsibility. The man’s responsibility isn’t in that one beautiful moment when he holds his wife’s hand as she’s in labour pain. A man’s responsibility also begins the day a child is born, and just carrying his surname doesn’t mean that he’s fulfilled his duty.

Be it lower income households or middle-income households or rich households, the men in each section of society have a fundamental responsibility – to evaluate women as humans who also have aspirations, dreams and expectations. A man’s feminism is more important than a woman’s – primarily because one voice of a dissent from a man will be viewed with logic in this system entrenched in patriarchy. It’s funny that when a woman speaks out, she’s viewed as a troublemaker, but when a man speaks out, he’s speaking from logic. Then where’s your logic guys?

Are you scared of that one moment when your wife will earn more than you or be more successful than you? Are you scared of that moment when you will loose your “manhood”? Is your ego bruised when that little girl scored more marks than you in that one engineering exam? How could she? She’s a girl, girls are not good at math?!

Are you eagerly anticipating that one day when she will take her maternal leave in office and then fall back in her career so that you can move ahead on not merit but social stupidity?

Why is it so natural for us to assume that a woman and her family is entitled to receive our bullshit, just because we were born with an organ that is worshipped?

My plea to the male feminists out there is – don’t “protect” your woman, she doesn’t need your muscle power to survive. Don’t “protect” her from bullshit your father is pulling on your wedding – she doesn’t want that. What she wants is respect, and your ability to ensure that. Your feminism lies in making others around you realize that logic is the way to move forward, not society or its customs that hold someone back because of their gender.

I understand my words sound harsh. Most men wouldn’t even want to be feminist on reading my essay. After all, who wants to fight for a cause that’s not even their own?

But retrospect – why do you “not” like women? Why do you feel that they should be subservient to you? Is it because of your social conditioning or because it’s logical to you?

Think guys, think. Because we need you too in this struggle to create change. If you don’t stand by us, and if both genders aren’t united in this fight, then we can never expect our society to move towards an egalitarian future. Neither can we dream of a ‘shining’ or ‘developed’ India. Because whenever one woman leaves her job in this country, we lose out on a portion of our GDP. Never realized this? For a change, think logically?

All you are going to lose out on is your ‘male privilege’. And trust me, that’s not a bad thing at all. You weren’t entitled to one, in the first place.

Life · Life in India · Opinionated

Which State Do You Belong To?

December 4, 2016 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

Which state do you belong to? – is the most common question faced by me, every time I meet someone new. Till I was 20, I used to answer – Mumbai, the city, not the state, Maharashtra. Somewhere, deep down my heart, I knew I was more a Mumbaikar, less a Maharashtrian. Now, 5 years later, I don’t know what to answer. My constant shuttling between the two cities Delhi and Mumbai and my ancestral lineage from West Bengal have confused me beyond my understanding. I am no longer too Bengali to be called Bengali, no longer too familiar with Mumbai to call myself a Mumbaikar, and definitely don’t know much Marathi or Marathi culture to identify myself as a Maharashtrian.

For the longest time in my youth, I vehemently denied being a Bengali. I hated to associate myself with Communist, monkey-cap wearing, Sreeleathers-loving stereotypical Bengalis, even though I had an upbringing consisting of Gelusil and Boroline, two of the most Bengali things ever. I didn’t want to associate myself with any stereotype, hence I preferred calling myself a Mumbaikar – I could easily identify my Bambaiya-hindi, night-life loving characteristics with the city and inadvertently be identified as someone ‘cool’, someone who came from that city of lights, colour, fame and Bollywood.

It’s a weird world out there for people like me, who grow up in a different state from their ancestral one. Most of the time, we learn little of our culture, and unknowingly, try to hold on to it tightly without admitting it. I belonged to the same crowd. I loved Bengali food, Bengali culture, Rabindrasangeet, et al – yet refused to identify myself as a Bengali. Yet, emotions hit home ground the most when a dear friend from Kolkata called me a ‘fraud Bengali’, for not knowing anything about the Bengali culture, according to her.

I tried fitting very hard into every city – thinking every city is the place I can claim to be from. But, eventually, I realized, over time – I made friends not with people who were from a particular culture like me, but because we had a certain intellectual framework that appealed to our sensitivities. My best friends are Sindhi, Syrian Christian, Malayalee Nair, Bihari and Baniya, all radically different from each other. Till 20 years back, it was unimaginable to befriend so many people from so many varied cultures and religions for my parents. Yet, this happened because I became part of a new cultural revolution – the Indian who is cosmopolitan.

I identify myself as an Indian more than anything else now, because I can’t see myself ‘fitting’ in anywhere, yet ‘fitting’ in everywhere. I don’t hate it when people tell me I remind them of a ‘stereotypical bong’ who says “ish” when she’s disgusted. I love it when people like the different facets of my personality and link it to my very Indian identity.

While stereotyping and being judgemental is part of being human, I also think it’s important for people to move out of their comfort bubble and see the world, because we Indians need to realize that the beauty of cosmopolitanism lies everywhere. Not ‘fitting’ into something conventional isn’t a bad thing. In the US, we have a half-Puerto Rican, half-Ashkenazi Jew entertaining us and he is currently touted as the next Michael Jackson. He’s none other than Bruno Mars. He’s a product of globalization and cosmopolitanism. Booker prize winning writer Arundhati Roy, who wrote The God of Small Things is half-Malayalee and half-Bengali. Yet, her understanding of Kerala’s culture in the novel is unparalleled.

It’s a wrong notion that if one leaves their state or marries outside their culture or identifies as someone else, they lose their culture. I know that deep down in my heart, some things about me will always remain Bengali. I know that even if I marry outside my community, I will never stop identifying myself as a Bengali. I will always celebrate Durga Puja, not Navratra. Because that is MY festival. There are certain traits I have latched onto, vowing to never let them go. Not because I like being Bengali, but because these traits define me.

Yet, I hold on to my identity as a Delhi-ite and Mumbaikar ferociously too. I know my rich experience of a Mumbai local parallels that of a Mumbaikar, I know the roads of Delhi as the veins in my heart. These two cities are the mothers that taught me how to live life on my own, and I latch onto these identities too, albeit “shamelessly”.

I know there may be many confused folks like me out there. My surname is mistaken to be my identity on many occasions. I know who I am, but I don’t know whether I can fit into any classified identity. I can’t fit into that one bottle, for I am that free-flowing water, that can assimilate into any bottle you put me into. I can sing a Bollywood song with my friend from UP, I can dance equally madly on a Tamil tune with my friend from Hyderabad, appreciate that Bhojpuri song my friend croons, or eat momos with my friend from Manipur, loving to hear her complain how stupid it is when people can correlate things like momos with the North-east without knowing anything else about the region. I want to visit other regions of my beautiful country, assimilate more in other places, distorting my identity to the extent that even I can’t figure out myself where I fit into anymore.

I want to reach that state when I don’t identify myself with any caste, any region, any community anymore. Right now, I am that Bengali who speaks the language, but can be spotted with a Premchand novel in a metro. I am that Maharashtrian who grew up in the state but can’t speak Marathi. I am that Delhi-ite who knows all the party places in the city, but can’t tolerate the city at night. I am that small-town Durgapur/Navi Mumbai chick, who knows her world is just within a small city, where everyone she meets knows her.

It’s time we celebrate the plurality India is. Celebrate that Mallu who speaks Hindi with the heart of a Dilli-waala, that UP girl who loves Mumbai and identifies as a Mumbaikar for the freedom the city gives her, that Sindhi who speaks Punjabi, that Marathi girl who prides herself in knowing Gujarati and Tullu. That Indian who prides himself/herself for belonging everywhere.

Our complexities define us as the modern Indian who can move beyond barriers, accept each other as friends because of the thoughts we harbour, not because we pledge our identity to a certain community.

Which state do I belong to? I don’t know, guess I play for Team India now! 😀