An Indian Woman's Ramblings · Indian Woman's Musings

Why Adulting Is Fun

A few weeks ago, I came across a tweet: “The less you respond to drama, the more peaceful your life becomes”. I can not stress more on the absolute truth of these 100 words. And that’s something I have learnt through the process of ‘adulting’.

I know, not many people love being an adult, right? There’s too much drama, too many problems. It’s easy to say many things, but difficult to implement them for real, because now there are too many people with a stake in your life.

Love for adulting just doesn’t seem to fit into a socially accepted standard of something “fun” to say. After all, there are no paper boats to float, no tiffins to share and definitely no PT classes. But I somehow enjoy adulting and the process of blooming into an adult has fascinated me to the core. Now, I talk more to you all through my blog than in person, and for a change, it feels good! I feel lighter in my adulthood more than I ever did in my childhood.

I guess that’s because I had a complicated childhood and found it difficult to make friends while growing up. So when adulting happened, it didn’t come easy, but I have finally learnt to accept many things about myself, which I couldn’t as a teenager. And I honestly feel great.

It feels good to keep some emotions to yourself, to make yourself your confidante. It’s an amazing feeling when you head to work in the morning knowing it’s the least stressful thing you will do. And above everything, it feels great to know that you’re in a good place and can share this with someone when the right time comes. I have been an adult for less than 2 years, and I honestly feel more empowered than ever before. I know some people (particularly Indians) dread the life of a flat – where you take care of your own laundry, your food, menial house jobs. But I like my daily routine of waking up in my own place, dressing up well and heading to an office just 10 minutes away from my place. I used to bare out my emotions to the world once, but as an adult, I have chosen to showcase them to myself – for no one understands me better than I do. These are things I have learnt in the past few months, and this change has made me a stronger and more meditative person – some of the best things I am getting from adulthood.

Trust me, adulting isn’t that bad. Yes, you change as a person, you lose some friends along the way and you don’t like the spaghetti you enjoyed six months ago. But hey, life’s beautiful and you’re leading it with confidence and love. You’re surrounded by people who love you, friends who care about you and above all, family that you can always bank upon. Plus, you get your space (mostly).

Whenever life goes too fast, slow down. Breathe. Clear your head. And think about how much fun it is being on your own, fending for yourself. It will prepare you for a life ahead where you will never be dependent on anybody. It feels good to be an adult, and if you’re one, I hope you feel good about ‘adulting’ too!

Much love,

the happy writer of this blog

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Life · Opinionated · Uncategorized

Boredom and how to get rid of it. No, seriously.

Are those people who lead monotonous lives boring? Is it always amazing, or ‘awesome’ to have something ‘happening’ going on in your life?

As I look forward to another weekend with nothing much to do apart from type furiously into my laptop, I wonder whether my 20’s shall be spent in solitude till one day my family gets annoyed of that existence and “marries me off”. Till then, how do I pass my time?

I decided to take the easy road – enroll for a course. Nah, one or two assignments were enough to make me realise that I value online courses more than the classroom stuff now. I am just not cut out for exams as they are boring and don’t pay. What else do I do?

I attended a couple of film screenings, went to parks alone, read books at a cafe. But I still got bored and started dwindling my thumbs. I may be moaning about a first world problem, but this is actually the case with many people of my generation today. Sometimes I wonder whether my friends got married out of pure boredom.

The point is – everything gets monotonous after a while. The job, the people, your partner, the house, the car, even Netflix. You can eat all the burgers you want, but you tire out of them too. You cook for a couple of days out of enthusiasm, but then you give it up because doing something cool everyday just takes the coolness quotient out of it. You even decided to try your hand at a new relationship, but lets face it – after you know a person too well, they become boring for you.

What explains this mass boredom of my generation? My parents were 25 once too, I am sure, but all they talk about back then was babies and responsibilities. The early fruition of so many problems never made people of my parent’s generation sit down and think about life-changing thoughts like what I am writing about right now. Hell yeah, I am sure my mother must have been concerned more about giving birth to me right now than having a boredom-related crisis.

It’s not easy living alone in a city, going to work and coming back to an empty house, living the same moronic life, every single day. Shopping occasionally brings some happiness, some men (don’t want to stereotype), idle their time away by waiting for the iPhone X to release. The point is – boredom is everywhere. How does one deal with it?

A colleague of mine once posed a question to me – if we have lived our life till now happily, but the existence ahead seems boring, long and dreadful, then why live it? What’s the point of living another 50 years in monotony?

Her question was tempting at that point of time, the answer even more tempting. But I am used to living life now, how do I end it? Plus religion and moral values come into play. Till 3 years ago, I used to tire myself by thinking about having a boyfriend. Now, that’s done too. What more? Not marriage, that’s boring too. Not alcohol, had enough of it already. Smoking? Isn’t the air of Delhi enough?

I understand that I am a privileged young woman posing existential crisis questions about 25 year olds working at MnCs who have nothing else to do with their life but complain. But, think of it. Aren’t we slowly becoming that western society whose individualism we despise as Indians? Economic independence has made everyone distant and by living alone, we do become self-centered to a certain level. The urban society of India is no different than a lonely life in New York City or London. How long before you Brooklyn bridge tires you out and London Bridge loses its sheen? I have lived in London, and started picking faults in the city the moment the weather turned bleak there. Now, I want to go back and live there someday, but the thought of living completely alone scares me.

I know I should be used to this boring, lonely life, but somehow I feel there’s a certain colour in it too. Think about it. You have the freedom and the choice to do whatever the fuck you want to. You can get up at 1 pm on weekends, give zero fucks about doing your laundry, go without shaving for a month and not be told off. I think its just a matter of perspective. Whenever I feel bored, I tell myself a very simple thing nowadays – will this day come back again? Maybe it won’t, so I might as well make the best of it. I am bored, but at least this boredom got me to think about something. Tomorrow, life might pass by in a flash without me even knowing it, and I won’t even get time to breathe. So till then, amigos, breathe free, for you never know – you might miss this existential crisis someday.

P.S – I honestly feel everybody who crosses their 20’s should be given a prize. Like, seriously.

Life

To Birthdays, New Beginnings And More!

Heya you all,

So earlier this week, it was my birthday. The event I eagerly wait for all year. That one time of the year when I can behave like a queen and get treated like one. Only, this year, my birthday was just any other day of the year for me. Just another day, when I woke up, listened to some good music, chatted with some good people, ate good food and went back to sleep again. Just another, wonderful day.

Only, this year was more eventful than the others. Eventful in the sense that my best friend got drunk, pole danced the night through, got hit on by a creepy bartender. I did my bit by telling a man I am a lesbian to ward him off – not an advisable thing to do, and I request my homosexual friends to excuse me, as I was drunk (and also because it was my birthday).

Nevertheless, as the night ended and I drifted off to sleep, life stopped feeling so heavy anymore. Ever since the 3rd, I feel lightened, as if God took off a huge load from me and decided to shoulder it himself. I don’t know how many of you believe in God. But I know he is out there somewhere looking out for me. Otherwise, how can one explain the miraculous way that I have moved forward in life, leaving behind all bad memories and terrible experiences? I don’t know, all of a sudden, I feel like a new person, who has ended a journey and begun another one.

All of a sudden, I don’t expect anything anymore. I feel like life is working its magic and I just need to go with the flow. I woke up in the morning today and told myself, it may be Friday but it’s a work day, and your office is your karmbhoomi (place of worship), so go there and win the world. I worked with a lighter load today, but the day was so good. One of my colleagues praised me for my positive attitude and even said that I exude a lot of positive energy when I walk into office. It made me feel so good. I haven’t been told in a long time that I am a positive person and it made me believe in myself and believe that I can make other people happy around me.

I no longer want him to read my messages, call me or text me. If he wants to, he can. But I don’t have a mad urge anymore. I just want to live life normally and happily and embrace anything that comes with it. I don’t care what people think of me, as long as I love myself and the people that matter to me surround me. I feel free. Is this for real or am I living a dream?

I am writing this letter to you all in total earnest today. I don’t even have a structure in mind while typing this. I am just typing in free motion, letting my mind do the talking. Guess what, I did another incredible thing since my birthday ended. I totally immersed myself in a book and literally stuck onto its every page for half the night just to finish it. I haven’t done that in years. The last I did that, I was 21. After that, all reading was inhibited by the buzzing of the cell phone and social media updates.

I re-joined Instagram too. The fear of facing the truth on social media has also disappeared from my mind. Let people know everything. Even if they judge me, they aren’t living my life right? They aren’t living my fabulous life, which is full of so much happiness. Today, when I came back from office, I decided to do something different and finish a season of a tv show I have been watching for the past 2 weeks. I binge-watched How I Met Your Mother’s 9th season, cried uninhibitedly, felt every emotion freely, got some pizza and brownie and didn’t chide myself for it. I even exercised in guilt later, but at least I got to finish the 9th season!

And guess what, I loved it. I loved the original ending. I am fine with Ted not ending up with the mother, but that’s a story I will save for another day.

You know, the thought of him driving his car and buying a house doesn’t bother me anymore. Let him be happy. Materialistic things don’t bring me happiness. Knowledge does. Writing does. Love does. And I have all that. I am so happy.

I don’t know if God exists. But if he does, he’s given me so much happiness ever since my birthday ended. He didn’t even wish me, but it didn’t hurt at all. In fact, I don’t even care if he doesn’t. After all, birthday is just another day.

But this birthday was another day that just brightened up my present. And I am so thankful for everything that it has brought with it. I am even more thankful to you for reading this blog. Thank you for giving my writing a space in your heart.

I am no longer scared to feel, no longer scared to be happy. Bring it on life, I will give you all I’ve got and accept all you have to give me, with no expectation in return. I know whatever you give me will just shape me for the better. And you will make me capable enough of sustaining a partnership on truth, understanding and pure love. Bring it on life!

Much love,

An eternal perpetual dreamer

Life

काश एक बार…

तुम्हे खोकर जाना खोना किसे कहते है
पल पल तड़प कर जाना मरना किसे कहते है
गलती की सज़ा ये है की अब तुम साथ नही हो
अब ये भी पता है की तुम किसी और के साथ खुश हो
बस इतना लगता है की काश ज़िंदगी हमारे प्यार को दूसरा मौका दे देती
की मैं अपनी गलतियाँ सुधार सकती
पर गलतियों के पहाड़ को तोड़ना है मुश्किल
ना साथ रहने के चाह को बदलना है मुश्किल
अब खुश होती हूँ ये सोचकर की तुम्हे किसी और की बाहों में पनाह मिला
किसी और के साथ वो मुकम्मल जहाँ मिला
बस यही सोचती हूँ रोज़ की तुम खुश हो की नही
प्रार्थना करती हूँ की खुश तो होंगे ही ज़रूर
अब बस यही लगता है की तुमसे बात न बनी तो किसी और से ना बन पाएगी
प्यार खोकर जाना प्यार कहते किसे है…
काश तुम एक बार मुड़कर मेरी तरफ देखते
काश हम एक बार पुरानी बातें भुला देते
पर अब बस काश ही बोलती रहूंगी
क्यूंकी अब ना नसीब होगी मुझे तुम्हारी मुहब्बत या नफ़रत
अब पता है की तुम्हारे अंदर मेरे लिए कोई भावनायें नही
होंगी भी कैसे, मैं हूँ ही ऐसी बला
जिसे छोड़कर तुम आज खुश हो
बस यही बोलती हू भगवान को रोज़ की मैने गलतियाँ मान ली है
पर पता है अब सुधारने का मौका नही मिलेगा…
रोज़ कोशिश करती हूँ तुम्हे भूलने की ताकि तुम खुश रहो
पर प्यार को भूलना मुश्किल ही नही
नामुमकिन है,
अब बस तुम्हारे उस खत का इंतेज़ार है
जिसमें तुम मुझे अपनी शादी में बुलवाओ
ताकि मैं आकर तुम्हे खुशियों की बधाई दे सकूँ
क्यूंकी तुम्हारी खुशियाँ बस चाहिए अब मुझे
मुझे अपने अंदर के शैतान को किसी और को ना दिखाना
किसी और को दर्द नही देना
ना किसी और के साथ ग़लतियाँ करनी
क्यूंकी तुम्हारे साथ बात नही बनी
तो किसी के साथ नही बनेगी…
तुम्हारे सामने खुश होने का नाटक करूँगी
ताकि तुम मुझे भूल जाओ और खुश रहो
तुम्हे अब ना कॉल ना message करूँगी
मेरी मनहूस शकल से भी तुम्हे घिन आती है, ये पता है
अब तुमसे ना कोई चाह ना गिला
बस अपने आप को रोज़ बोलती हूँ
की काश प्यार को पहले समझा होता
तो शायद आज तुम्हारे बिना जीना नही पड़ता
शायद पहले ये समझा होता की प्यार में कोई समझौता नही होता
तो शायद इस दिन को ना गले लगाना पड़ता…
अब भगवान से बस यही माँगूंगी
की अगले जनम हम साथ हो
मैं तुम्हारे साथ जियुं और तुम्हारे बाद मरूं
क्यूंकी सच कहूँ
तुम्हारे बिना जीना बहुत मुश्किल है…
काश ज़िंदगी ने हमारे प्यार को एक और मौका दिया होता
काश मैने अपने आप को रोका होता
काश ये दिन ना आता
काश मैं जी पाती तुम्हारे बिना
अब बस मरने की देर है
तुम्हारे बिना साँस लेती हूँ पर अपने आप से घिन है
जी तो लूँगी मैं अकेले
क्यूंकी अब बस अगले जनम का इंतेज़ार है
जब हम सच में साथ हो और ये गलतियों का पहाड़ ना हो
इस जनम से अगले जनम में ज़्यादा वक़्त नही
८० साल तो बस समय है, ज़िंदगी नही…

history · Life in India

Why I Am In Love (And Rightly So), With Humayun’s Tomb

I have always been very clear about my love for Humayun’s tomb. Why a tomb, a place for death, you may ask? When Akbar built the place, he did so to commemorate his father, who died a rather tragic death after falling down the steps of his library. Why then, do I find so much peace and love for the place?

IMG_20170903_180948517_HDR.jpg
Opening my eyes to this view.

This Sunday, I decided to sit in front of the tomb, in the lawns, and contemplate my emotions for the red-and-white structure, which has enamoured me ever since I came to Delhi more than seven years ago. Writing an ode to Humayun’s tomb will not be enough.

When I walk around the tomb, I can see the past – the grandeur of the Mughal empire. The red walls, through their coldness, speak to me of the love of a son for his father. Nothing can go wrong here – wherever you look, you can see the blue minaret or the white dome – white, a symbol of such peace and tranquility. If you take a book and sit in the lawns, a lovely wind blows behind your neck, as if soothing you and blending you into the peaceful existence.

Thousands of people visit Humayun’s tomb every day. But, once I am there, all I can hear is the sound of the wind and the birds. All I can see is the tomb, standing in all its grandeur, beckoning me to be calm and think only good things.

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Monuments span beyond time and religion, for they belong to everyone, yet belong to no-one. The Taj Mahal may be a symbol of love for the world, but Humayun’s tomb is a symbol of peace and tranquility. When I play a song in my mind and walk around the monument, I feel a spring in my step, a twinkle in my eye. All my troubles wash away and I can only see the expanse of the red walls in front of me, as if telling me that life is way more beautiful than I can imagine it to be.

Which is why I will always love Humayun’s tomb, and rightly so.

 

Indian Woman's Musings · Life

If you feel you suffer from a mental health issue, then read this

For the last 2 years, I have been an out-and-out supporter of mental health issues. I have been open to talking about my depression and more than eager to embrace happiness. Mental health is sometimes more important than physical health, because what you’re thinking is capable of controlling how you feel physically too. Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression are common terms I have come across in my generation. Many of them are related to our upbringing, and many of them are related to the circumstances we face.

I always looked at myself as a strong person, but certain struggles, which I felt were unnecessary, changed my outlook on life. An existential crisis enveloped me and I started being untrustworthy of people and situations. Over the last two months, I decided to take stock of my life and understand why depression is what it is and how I can get rid of it.

And to be honest, I have realised that it’s extremely easy to get rid of this big black dog which we carry around.

Nowadays, before I kick-start my mornings, the first thing I do is show gratitude. I thank God for giving me another day to live, and I look at myself in the mirror and say – You’re going to have an amazing day. And guess what, the first half passes in utmost happiness!

Another thing I have realised is that honing our concentration also helps get rid of depression. For example, when I feel low or upset about something during the course of the day, I listen to some videos of Abraham Hicks (check her out- she’s amazing). I let her thoughts envelop me, and then I implement them by thinking about the good things of life. In fact, whenever I feel upset about a particular person, I take out a notepad and write down 10 qualities I appreciate about them. It makes the anger vanish instantly.

People who are depressed are wonderful people, for they are capable of showering love on everyone. But, we need to realise that we have to compartmentalise our love.

Only those people who matter to us should be capable of taking our mindspace.

Try a simple exercise which I do nowadays – Whenever you get a ping from someone, check who has sent it. If it’s someone who matters to you, reply instantly. If not, they can wait. This trick has made me single out my happy people and give them space and time. It keeps me surrounded by those who love and adore me, and it’s okay to be selfish sometimes!

Another thing I have learnt to do in these two months is stop seeking validation from everyone. Trying to keep everyone happy is simply a recipe for disaster. You don’t have to keep everyone happy – You just need to love yourself and you will automatically attract people who love and adore you. If you don’t like the company of a particular person, don’t hang out with them. If you’re alone, you can always ping your best friend – they are your ‘best’ friend because they chose to be the closest to you. So cherish their presence and forget all those who don’t matter to you.

As a last thought, all I would like to say is – erase all bad memories from your head. They are part and matter of the past and it’s unnecessary to let those thoughts stay in your head and continue to hurt you. You deserve to be happy and live a fulfilling life. Start today by closing your eyes and relaxing. Don’t be scared to tell people you are depressed – if someone judges you, they don’t deserve your mind-space because they can never put themselves in your shoes and feel what you have felt. And that’s OK.

You don’t have to run in a rat race, you don’t have to earn insane amounts of money to stay happy – you just need to be at peace with yourself, and you will see that everything is slowly falling into place and that big black dog of depression has left you forever.

history · Opinionated · Uncategorized

History Never Teaches Us The Monstrosity Of War…

Many conflicting emotions have been playing in my head since I saw Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk. For a history student, watching one of the greatest director’s alive make a war movie was nothing short of a spectacular experience. But, something died in me the moment I finished watching the film. And I have been trying to pen it down since then.

History is taught to us as a boring, drab subject in school. In college, one can love the discipline because there are so many ways to interpret the ways of men (and women). But what is never taught to us is how monstrous war is. How it never fetches anyone any happiness, it creates only misery.

The worst invention of humankind is war – for it discriminates between no one when it sets out to destroy.

Those men in Dunkirk – they weren’t out there for patriotism. They just wanted to go home. The larger-than-life pictures which we are fed of celebrating soldiers, their love for the motherland, patriotism – honestly, it’s all just a bunch of lies.

No emotion is greater than one’s love to live and I am glad Nolan made that point loud and clear in Dunkirk.

No one wants to die – especially on the battlefield. It’s a brutal life these people, the youth of the 1940’s lived, so that we can see our future today.

dunkirk.jpg

Realising that I am walking on the dead bodies of so many young people, whose sacrifice made me who I am today, made me feel grateful for my life. And sad. No one deserves war, no one deserves a youth where the biggest concern is finding a way to live before you get bombed. Yet, we still are on the verge of going to war today. We still are ungrateful for what we have, for the sacrifices unwillingly made by so people.

Look at the sky. Imagine seeing a plane and being scared. Imagine the sea gulping you down because humans decided to use it as a weapon against you by building torpedoes. We have misused nature to gain, and unfortunately, we still continue to blame and maim nature. After watching Dunkirk, I don’t get it why selling arms is a ‘lucrative’ trade. Honestly, those arms will one day land in the hands of an unwilling 16-year-old who has to fight a war he/she has no intention of fighting.

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War divides, creates crevices. War kills. I don’t care if Dunkirk wasn’t giving me the sci-fi Kodak feel of Interstellar. Dunkirk is real, it’s brutal and it’s a reality. The Second World War was less a war against the Nazis and the Axis powers, it was more a war against our principles and the sanity of mankind. People were tested in myriad ways and mostly, we failed as a species.

What I learned from the film was that history shouldn’t be taken flimsily. The monstrosity of war should be taught to students, the bad images of war should be flashed in front of them every single day. The hunger, destruction and poverty war brings should be shown to us, so that no one even dreams of war or glorifies it ever again.

I want more directors like Nolan to reflect this side of war in their movies. Pearl Harbor wasn’t an amazing love story, War Machine isn’t a cool movie. War is not fun. Ask those who went through it. Or just look at Syria or the Philippines right now. Death can be avoided for those who want it, but only if we learn from history, unfortunately.