Apologies for being away for so long. Its been a long time since I took up the pen to pen down my thoughts. Primarily because I was suffering from the writer’s block. But this writer’s block isn’t something that came up because of my inability to pen down my thoughts, hell no. This was a self-imposed exile out of which it took me nearly two months to realise that a self-imposed hibernation would be better rather than an exile, because an exile isn’t a choice – hibernation is.
For many months, I have been struggling to grasp the true meaning of life. As a liberated woman (at least I tend to think of myself that way), I always grasped life as something I can lead on ‘my terms’. But over the course of some months, I realised that life is the worst thing mankind has to live through. Its got too many rules, too many struggles, too many hardships – you name it. Doesn’t it anger you when you feel helpless, or useless, or unsuccessful, especially when you know you don’t deserve it? Doesn’t it hurt to see someone else deriving so much happiness out of their little life, by being stable, strong and calm?
Why can’t I be like that? Why isn’t my life like that? Isn’t life what we make of it? Aren’t we taught since we were children that hard work reaps success?
Angered by these thoughts, I sought recourse in killing the only thing that I loved the most – writing. Or typing, since I maintain an online blog.
I have been hurt by many things over the past couple of months. First by my ego, two by my foolishness. Ego because it made me disrespectful, angry, made me overexpectant, irrational, hateful, depressed. My foolishness because I let myself believe that others are responsible for my actions. Those who loved me, stopped staying by my side, because even they got tired for being blamed for my actions, when they could clearly see I was in the wrong.
The problem with getting an education abroad is that you tend to expect too much from yourself. A fancy, expensive education prepares you for a lifetime of struggle/happiness in the maddening corporate world. The girl in me wanted to pursue my dream of becoming a writer, the woman in me realised that writing would only happen if I had money.
So, that made me angry. Expectant. Foolish. And hungry for the wrong things.
I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. But I do know this – I want to document each and every emotion that passes through me on this blog, because it is the document of my existential crisis. Many of you or maybe some of you might be facing these conflicting emotions on a daily basis, and I want you to know that there is someone out there who is exactly like you.
Complicated beings like us are tough to comprehend, understand. I know I will be slogging away at a corporate house in a couple of months maybe, but stability may bring me happiness. But, for how long? I have created a barrier in my head that butts out happiness – but is that who I am? Is this all a part of growing up? If it is, why is it so painful?
Should I release it all by choosing the easier path of life? But what is the easier path of life?
My writing skills go unnoticed at the hands of those willing to monetise on my skills. But what are my skills? My face looks into the mirror and doesn’t recognize itself. What am I good at? I don’t know. Maybe I do, but my mind is blocked. I thought I could follow my passion, but low pay and bad behaviour made me quit. I think I can survive in a bad, mad corporate world, but I may change my mind in the future too. Does that make me defocused and shallow? Can I respect myself?
All these thoughts run through my head – not because I like wasting time, but because I need answers. I sometimes do feel at peace with myself at times – I feel calm, I feel like nothing can harm me. Then, am I my own enemy? I don’t know.
If I do figure it out, I will let you know. And if I don’t, I still will.