A year back, I took a resolution. After much realization. I realized that there was no point in fear. I realized that there was no point in procrastinating. I realised I had to write.
Writing has always been my passion. But it took me a year after the resolution to finally get down to writing a blog. Why? I don’t know. I won’t say I didn’t have time – everyone says that.
Maybe I was just young. Or I was unsure. I just knew this much that I have always wanted to write as a kid, preferring writing my thoughts down rather than reading someone else’s on a piece of paper. But what was I doing differently? So many people out there harbour the dreams I have. How am I different?
I don’t know. Maybe the fact that I accept I belong in the world is the first step towards differentiation. I know that my brain is an endless array of thoughts, flowing every minute, thinking about everything I see. My brain definitely puts everything my eyes see into thoughts. But yes, it’s the day today that made me decide to put down my thoughts, finally, for the whole world to see. I finally gained the courage to lay bare my mind in front of the world.
Coming back to the title of my essay. For me an anniversary means much more than a birthday. It’s the anniversary of this day, 13th December that I am remembering after a year. It’s a day to be remembered. We celebrate marriage and birthdays and remember resolutions. Because that’s the day we resolutely changed ourselves.
I am never averse to change. I believe change is a great thing. Change makes you reform yourself. Yes, it’s debatable that reformation is a personal thing – what may be normal for me is bad for another. We all are hypocrites from the same mental asylum at the end of the day – sometimes I feel insane people are actually seeing the real world. A world where there are no sane people, but only insanity.
My birthday every year is a day of celebration. Celebration of the immense pain my mother went through while giving birth to me, celebration of one day every year to commemorate my existence. Birthdays are for existential purposes – they make suicidal people realize how important their life is, and make non- suicidal people feel very important for once. Of course one should feel important. But one shouldn’t mix up the emotions of a birthday with an anniversary. Hence the title of my essay.
Anniversaries are days when you experience change. They are feelings that need to be remembered for they brought about the advent of a different course of our life. A year ago, I reformed myself. I changed myself; put my sieved thoughts through a compact hole to understand what I want from life.
A year ago, I was a child who refused to grow up. Now I am a woman accepting the reality of life. I understand what it needs to love someone, what it means to sacrifice and compromise. What it means to follow your passion. I know that one can’t get everything in life, so take life with a pinch of salt and move on. A year ago, I had regrets. Now I realize that regrets just pull you back into a vortex of anger and sadness. There is no point regretting. And yes, ultimately do what you like. I realized a year ago that I was not meant to be what I had to be. I was meant to be what I wanted to be.
I will remember this anniversary and start writing. Because I am a river that keeps flowing. A river that stops flowing becomes a lake and never flows again.