I struggle to keep pace with my peers. It feels like school all over again. I feel like someone’s laughing at the back of the class when I ask a stupid question.
It’s hard to be average and ambitious. You want to do many things with your life, but one thing always stops you – your incapability.
I always thought my strength lay in writing. Turns out that’s the case for many people out there. I am not the only one with creativity stuck to the nerves of her brain.
What do I do now?Where do I go? My life didn’t pan out the way it should have. I now have an insane goal in mind, steely determination for it, but my lack of expertise is frustrating me.
Has anyone ever told you that frustration is the key to losing your mind? It’s good to want more from your life, to want to better your situation. But how does one do it?
I walk in and out of job interviews, my mind boggled at the kind of expertise expected from me; my current role helping me in no way for the new one.
I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted at my incapability. I have officially failed to love myself. I don’t know what positivity is anymore. I don’t know whether I should smile at my life or my destruction.
Why did I end up here? I wasn’t meant to end up like this. I was the brightest in my class in college, the top performer in my graduate school. Then why am I at my lowest now? Is it because I have chosen to do something I am not trained in?
What do I do to better my situation? There is no person out there to help me. My parents are of little help either.
Sometimes, I wonder if happiness lies in being average and content. But contentment has always been so so hard for me. I try very hard to be happy with what I have, but a voice inside my head keeps telling me – you can do better.
To be honest, I wasn’t this confused when I was in a relationship. Back then, things were quite clear – I wanted to stick to one job, take things as and when they came and probably settle into a zone from where I could pursue my passion of writing full-time.
But then life hits you. Hard. You get lost in time and space, stretching your arm out for support, but touching thin air. The opportunities you actually have in your hand seem inadequate. Happiness becomes a chore. Smiling seems like harassment you inflict on yourself. You don’t feel like taking holidays anymore. Even going to eat out seems like a waste of time.
Sometimes, I feel I am not focused enough. I feel I lack the right skills or attitude to be successful. And then I see some people for whom it’s so easy. I wonder – where did I go wrong?
These are probably solitary thoughts – they will one day go away. But I wish I could understand how to become better at something I am not good at. I don’t know how much harder I should work. Is giving up easier than trying?
