Pay Your Dues, But Don’t Serve The Sentence.

February 9, 2019 perpetualdreamer4 Comments

It takes a long time to figure out what you want to be. It takes even longer to figure out how you want people to treat you. When you’re a child, you have to be content with people treating you a certain way, primarily because you’re dependent on others for your health and well-being. But, once you grow up, is it a bad thing to expect basic things such as sensitivity and respect from others?

I find it hard to communicate with my family on many occasions. Have you also been there? My parents are good people, but not sensitive. That has led me to the state where I no longer want to tell them about my problems, because they will never turn around and ask me how I am, rather they will start giving me anecdotes about what I can and should do correctly.

At 26, I no longer want to be told what to do, or who to be. I know that already. I just want someone to give me a hug when I want it, give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it, so that I can pick myself up and deal with my problems myself. But somehow, I feel very alone. And now I think I will be for the rest of my life.

The thing you’re never taught while growing up is how lonely life is. If we tell our children to be prepared for a life alone, perhaps it will make it easier for them to deal with depression and anxiety issues. Or, maybe not. I crave a lot for some company that can give me a hug and tell me it’s all going to be okay. But I have reached that stage of life that even a hug makes me untrustworthy or unnerved, because I know that it’s temporary. Everything in life is temporary, except your existence.

Many people ask me why I love the songs of Queen. Because Queen’s songs hit the recesses of your soul. Queen is a band for the marginalized, for those who feel different, feel left out. I am definitely paying my dues, and also serving an undeserved sentence. Is it my fault that people around me have failed to love me or have I failed in garnering their love? Such thoughts consume me as I contemplate the next step of my life.

I don’t talk about these things in fear that people will presume that I find it difficult to stay happy. In fact, I am always happy, externally, but with a swirling wind inside that is destroying everything and making me hollow. I don’t know if I can define this as sadness. It’s not sadness, actually. It’s the actualization of a new emotion where you accept your circumstances and your fate.

I know that I am growing distant from my family. I have never fit into their definition of a perfect child. I have my complaints too. But I can’t tell them because they will feel that I am always complaining and being inconsiderate. ‘Inconsiderate’, ‘selfish’, ‘angry’, ‘self-centered’ – these words are used freely by all of us without considering the amount of damage it is wrecking in the person in front of us. I sometimes wonder if I would want children. I know that I will also probably be this cold when my child comes to me with their problem. I am used to being told to not talk about problems. Probably I will be the same with my child, and that thought scares me. It’s tough to feel bad and not be able to tell your mother, because you know that she won’t respond with a cursory, ‘are you alright, dear’. You know that the response will be standard procedure. I am busy, I have work, or focus on your work and everything will be okay, stop making an issue about little things, etcetera.

Sometimes, you do need help. And it’s okay. It’s okay to love someone and give them a bit of compassionate love. It’s okay to tell them, ‘you will be fine, I am there for you.’ I feel that in this materialistic world, we have forgotten to love. We believe in nothing but self-gain, self-respect and self-appreciation. As I switch off my phone, I wonder whether I should even turn it on. I wonder what’s the point of communicating with people who don’t even want to make the effort to connect with you. But a hope remains that one day I will surround myself with people who are considerate and affectionate. Yes, I am emotional and yes, I like having emotional people around me, because without emotions, this world will be a desert and our emotions will be a sand dune, being bashed around by those who don’t believe in loving or living.

I turn on the radio and a Queen song is playing. I smile and agree with Freddie Mercury. “I consider it a challenge before the whole human race and I ain’t gonna lose. We are the champions, my friend. And we’ll keep on fighting till the end.” I am tired of being starved of love. Time to switch off from those who don’t understand you, even if they are family. If they love you, they will eventually come around and try to understand you. If they don’t, then don’t try. You can never mould people into the shapes you want them in. Just accept that you’re different, and move on.

Life

Dear Ex, today I end my pain. Goodbye.

October 14, 2018 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

Dear ex,

I still remember you. I remember everything about you. Your face keeps flashing in front of my eyes every now and then. But then, I remember how you broke my trust, manipulated me, hurt me and then put the blame on me so that you could appear good in front of the world. You were my life’s biggest mistake and learning lesson.

Today, I am no longer the same person. I don’t talk much, I think before speaking. Unbelievable for you, right? I find it hard to trust people too. I always feel like I am being pushed around, which makes me go into a shell. I no longer want to be manipulated into believing someone loves me, when all they want is their own gain.

Remember that time when you convinced me to move closer to you away from my flat in Delhi, placing the onus on the job, rather than your own selfish motives? I can see through it all now. But it’s more than 2 years since that realisation hit me, and it makes me feel so, so stupid for not being able to see through your manipulation.

Why did you have to manipulate me when you knew I loved you? You forced reactions from me in many situations to justify to yourself your decision for leaving me. Today, when you suffer, I feel no hurt for you. I just feel a sense of satisfaction. For God did what I couldn’t – punish you. I hope your life is ruined to the extent you ruined mine. You took away three beautiful years from my life, changed me, pushed me into a corner, made me untrusting of all men around me. And made me realise that I am probably quite stupid too.

After you left, I kept pushing myself to learn new things, for I thought that if I change myself, become digitally dexterous, the next guy I date will love me for my knowledge and not make me feel like shit for not knowing about some coding languages or having good skills that fetch money in the market. You were a terrible influence on me, and it’s taken me 1.5 years to get rid of that, and I think it will still take many more years to finally grow into a confident woman and outgrow your stench.

The irony of everything is – I still remember you and wish we could have worked things out. But then my mind gets in between and makes me realise that we could have never made things work out because there was a fundamental difference between us – I was honest and you were always dishonest. Everything you said and did was a lie. You were always a liar, a cheat and an abuser. You were only with me till you found a better option. You did find a “better” option. And she left you too. If she really loved you sweetie, she would have stuck with you during your current situation of distress. But you will never realise that I was the only person who actually did love you, will you?

All I can hope for is that you do regret all the wrongs you did to me. I have nothing more left to say to you. I have realised who you really are. The problem was NEVER with me. It was ALWAYS with you. You were a dominating little prick, who liked playing people with a calm mind. You were ruthless, unbearably pretentious and definitely lacked class. I am sorry to say, but I deserve better.

I know God is out there with his hand on my head. Which is why I can today pen this truth about you, while you languish away in a corner of the world wondering how you ruined your life. Good luck for everything, for a life without love, ambition and honesty. Today is my last day of pain. After this I am free. FREE.

Yours truly,

your better off “ex”

An Indian Woman's Ramblings · Indian Woman's Musings · Life

Is it okay to do something you’re not good at?

August 3, 2018August 4, 2018 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

I struggle to keep pace with my peers. It feels like school all over again. I feel like someone’s laughing at the back of the class when I ask a stupid question.

It’s hard to be average and ambitious. You want to do many things with your life, but one thing always stops you – your incapability.

I always thought my strength lay in writing. Turns out that’s the case for many people out there. I am not the only one with creativity stuck to the nerves of her brain.

What do I do now?Where do I go? My life didn’t pan out the way it should have. I now have an insane goal in mind, steely determination for it, but my lack of expertise is frustrating me.

Has anyone ever told you that frustration is the key to losing your mind? It’s good to want more from your life, to want to better your situation. But how does one do it?

I walk in and out of job interviews, my mind boggled at the kind of expertise expected from me; my current role helping me in no way for the new one.

I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted at my incapability. I have officially failed to love myself. I don’t know what positivity is anymore. I don’t know whether I should smile at my life or my destruction.

Why did I end up here? I wasn’t meant to end up like this. I was the brightest in my class in college, the top performer in my graduate school. Then why am I at my lowest now? Is it because I have chosen to do something I am not trained in?

What do I do to better my situation? There is no person out there to help me. My parents are of little help either.

Sometimes, I wonder if happiness lies in being average and content. But contentment has always been so so hard for me. I try very hard to be happy with what I have, but a voice inside my head keeps telling me – you can do better.

To be honest, I wasn’t this confused when I was in a relationship. Back then, things were quite clear – I wanted to stick to one job, take things as and when they came and probably settle into a zone from where I could pursue my passion of writing full-time.

But then life hits you. Hard. You get lost in time and space, stretching your arm out for support, but touching thin air. The opportunities you actually have in your hand seem inadequate. Happiness becomes a chore. Smiling seems like harassment you inflict on yourself. You don’t feel like taking holidays anymore. Even going to eat out seems like a waste of time.

Sometimes, I feel I am not focused enough. I feel I lack the right skills or attitude to be successful. And then I see some people for whom it’s so easy. I wonder – where did I go wrong?

These are probably solitary thoughts – they will one day go away. But I wish I could understand how to become better at something I am not good at. I don’t know how much harder I should work. Is giving up easier than trying?

Life · Opinionated

The Power Of Redemption (And Revenge)

July 1, 2018October 14, 2018 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

I’ll be honest with all of you. I have refrained from writing for the past six months as I had been spending it in deep reflection of my character traits. I was trying to reform whatever was “wrong” with me, focusing on being happy and trying to channelise my energies in the right direction. Around this time, last year, someone terrible had done something horrific to me, which has taken me over a year to get over.

A friend of mine had told me this time last year, “why do women feel something is wrong with them when they go through a break-up?”. I had felt those same emotions, when a man decided to take matters in his hands and tell me that we couldn’t work things out because we weren’t “compatible”. I spent months trying to figure out how I could “fix” things and get back together with him, but each time I tried to reform myself, he behaved in a worse manner with me, in one instance, even going to the extent of threatening me. (I even penned a poem for him, wondering if I could ever work out things with someone else, because he had made me believe that something was wrong with me).

Today, I am going to speak up about abuse and I am going to tell you what was not (and never) wrong with me. The past year has taught me that nothing was wrong with me, but that everything was wrong with HIM. He was a narcissist, and it took me 4 years of abuse to finally realise it. Never believe someone when they tell you that you have a problem. I believe we all have our demons, but if the person in front feels that he’s “picture perfect” and you’re the one with all the problems, then that’s the time to run away from that relationship as far away as possible.

The man I unfortunately loved abused me to the extent of driving me insane. He made me believe I have anger issues, and I can’t hang out with other people properly. He made me question my social skills, even my value to the society because I wasn’t as “smart” as him. He used to chide me for not being “respectful” enough towards his friends and even told me once that I am capable of holding a grudge against anybody because that’s my nature. All the time, he made sure that I could not say anything in return because according to him, ‘he was calm, and I was too emotional to handle’. Yes, he was calm, especially when he was abusive. He never shed a tear for when he hurt me, his eyes were always quite hollow. So I guess, he was quite a calm person. Perfect to be a serial killer.

Today, when my friends hug me for being myself, and people in office want to hang out with me for who I am, I doubt myself. I think they will probably see some bad side of mine and run away. But I have come to terms with the fact that I was a victim of narcissist abuse for years, which is why I now doubt myself. I will take time to heal, but when I do, I am sure I will be so strong that no one can ever make me doubt myself. I am glad I got rid of him and his circle of narcissistic friends, who made life harder for me by abusing me further when he dumped me, because hey ladies, when one guy abuses you, the others have the right to be shit to you too?!

I have wanted the best for people and I genuinely don’t hold malice against people. But, today when I see that man suffering, I feel so, so happy. I want to tell the Universe to punish him more. For every time he physically hurt me, he should receive that pain. For every time he told me something was wrong with me, his faults should be detailed to him by the world. And I know the Universe is listening to me, because today that man is suffering for a terrible deed he has done. And I didn’t even need to do anything to make him suffer. The Universe took care of it. Today, people don’t want to be associated with him, and his friends are chilling as if nothing happened. Hey, the same friends who once stood up for him and said that he was “sensible” for abusing me.

I hope your suffering goes on. You’re a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to be with anybody. You’re dominating, narcissistic, greedy and abusive. I don’t think I would ever want another woman to face what I did. I know you view women just as an object of lust and I want the world to know that.

I wonder how a woman like me, who’s strong headed and has an opinion, became a victim of abuse. But abuse can happen to anybody. Just because I speak my mind, doesn’t mean I can’t be abused. For years, I couldn’t walk away from an abusive man, who treated me like shit, dumped me whenever he wanted to, and came back whenever he wanted to. I feel terrible that I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. But whenever I did, he used to beg me to stay around. He begged so hard, it sometimes made me believe that he loved me. To be honest, it’s tough to walk away from someone you have known for so long and especially when they make you believe that if you reform yourself, everything will get better. Sometimes, you don’t see the cracks, even if the world does. It only takes pain and insult to see the reality and lift the veil of stupidity from your face. I spent many years smiling through the pain and now I wonder, I could have saved myself so many years of utter nonsense that I didn’t deserve to endure!

I hope you’re reading this right now and your blood is boiling. But I know that the world will now listen to me, and not you. You thought that just because you had money, everyone would flock to you. Look what happened. You know how you’ve destroyed your life and trust me, no one’s happier than me.

I know I shouldn’t gloat on someone’s distress, but sometimes, you need to get revenge. You can’t seek it yourself, but when you get it, you feel really good. I feel so glad that I got out of your life and I am not suffering as collateral damage for your sins.

I want all girls out there to know that if he ever tells you that you’re not worth it, then leave him. You deserve better. If he tells you that you both weren’t compatible (especially after he’s met your parents and technically made it official), give him a slap on the face and never, ever look back. If he tells you he’s found someone he’s given his heart and soul to and he can’t share his heart with you anymore (just weeks after breaking up with you), laugh on his face, show him the middle finger, and walk away. If he ever talks shit about your family and then chides you for getting angry at him, kick him in the balls. Also, if he behaves like shit with you, especially in front of other people, and then sends you an SMS to apologise because he just doesn’t believe in saying sorry in person, you really, really need to FORGET and become indifferent to such a person. He basically gloats from your distress and gets happiness from your misery and such people don’t deserve your attention. You’re too beautiful to associate yourself with such a monster.

Do all the things I didn’t do, and your life will be so much better. It’s better to die single than to be stuck with an abusive bastard who doesn’t value you. Such men are basically the worst segment of the society, and deserve to die alone. And they will, don’t worry.

If you’ve ever been abused, don’t be afraid to speak out. Today, I feel proud when I meet another man and I can honestly tell him what I have been through. I am not scared of what he will think of me. I know what I have been through and I am confident it won’t happen again. Because I won’t let it happen. This time, I will choose wisely.

Also, ladies, red flag – if he ever tells you that his mother never found fault in him – run away as far as possible. The man has a false sense of manhood and superiority and probably is a narcissist if you scratch the surface. He will not only ruin your mental peace and life, but also project you as the villain in the relationship. Because, ladies, his mother never found fault in him! So no one else can!

And if you ever do find fault in him, he will very smartly pretend to be all nice in front of other people and incite you into saying something so that others see that you’re the villain in the relationship, not him. Makes it easier for him to dump you (my dearest ex abuser, you think I didn’t notice that? I did, and I am so glad that now no self-respecting woman will ever want to be with you. Your tactics are out there for the world to see now).

P.S – I am doing a favour to you by not disclosing your name to the world. Be happy about that. I wish you the best for your life, which you have ruined anyway, so I guess not much is left of it now.

To end by quoting Taylor Swift:

“the world moves on, another drama, but all I need, all I can think about is Karma. Maybe one thing is for sure, maybe I got mine but you’ll all get yours“.

You already did. And it’s the happiest day of my life. __|__

Life

You Will Love Again…

December 21, 2017December 21, 2017 perpetualdreamer1 Comment

Why Adulting Is Fun

November 23, 2017November 23, 2017 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

A few weeks ago, I came across a tweet: “The less you respond to drama, the more peaceful your life becomes”. I can not stress more on the absolute truth of these 100 words. And that’s something I have learnt through the process of ‘adulting’.

I know, not many people love being an adult, right? There’s too much drama, too many problems. It’s easy to say many things, but difficult to implement them for real, because now there are too many people with a stake in your life.

Love for adulting just doesn’t seem to fit into a socially accepted standard of something “fun” to say. After all, there are no paper boats to float, no tiffins to share and definitely no PT classes. But I somehow enjoy adulting and the process of blooming into an adult has fascinated me to the core. Now, I talk more to you all through my blog than in person, and for a change, it feels good! I feel lighter in my adulthood more than I ever did in my childhood.

I guess that’s because I had a complicated childhood and found it difficult to make friends while growing up. So when adulting happened, it didn’t come easy, but I have finally learnt to accept many things about myself, which I couldn’t as a teenager. And I honestly feel great.

It feels good to keep some emotions to yourself, to make yourself your confidante. It’s an amazing feeling when you head to work in the morning knowing it’s the least stressful thing you will do. And above everything, it feels great to know that you’re in a good place and can share this with someone when the right time comes. I have been an adult for less than 2 years, and I honestly feel more empowered than ever before. I know some people (particularly Indians) dread the life of a flat – where you take care of your own laundry, your food, menial house jobs. But I like my daily routine of waking up in my own place, dressing up well and heading to an office just 10 minutes away from my place. I used to bare out my emotions to the world once, but as an adult, I have chosen to showcase them to myself – for no one understands me better than I do. These are things I have learnt in the past few months, and this change has made me a stronger and more meditative person – some of the best things I am getting from adulthood.

Trust me, adulting isn’t that bad. Yes, you change as a person, you lose some friends along the way and you don’t like the spaghetti you enjoyed six months ago. But hey, life’s beautiful and you’re leading it with confidence and love. You’re surrounded by people who love you, friends who care about you and above all, family that you can always bank upon. Plus, you get your space (mostly).

Whenever life goes too fast, slow down. Breathe. Clear your head. And think about how much fun it is being on your own, fending for yourself. It will prepare you for a life ahead where you will never be dependent on anybody. It feels good to be an adult, and if you’re one, I hope you feel good about ‘adulting’ too!

Much love,

the happy writer of this blog

Life · Opinionated · Uncategorized

Boredom and how to get rid of it. No, seriously.

November 10, 2017November 10, 2017 perpetualdreamerLeave a comment

Are those people who lead monotonous lives boring? Is it always amazing, or ‘awesome’ to have something ‘happening’ going on in your life?

As I look forward to another weekend with nothing much to do apart from type furiously into my laptop, I wonder whether my 20’s shall be spent in solitude till one day my family gets annoyed of that existence and “marries me off”. Till then, how do I pass my time?

I decided to take the easy road – enroll for a course. Nah, one or two assignments were enough to make me realise that I value online courses more than the classroom stuff now. I am just not cut out for exams as they are boring and don’t pay. What else do I do?

I attended a couple of film screenings, went to parks alone, read books at a cafe. But I still got bored and started dwindling my thumbs. I may be moaning about a first world problem, but this is actually the case with many people of my generation today. Sometimes I wonder whether my friends got married out of pure boredom.

The point is – everything gets monotonous after a while. The job, the people, your partner, the house, the car, even Netflix. You can eat all the burgers you want, but you tire out of them too. You cook for a couple of days out of enthusiasm, but then you give it up because doing something cool everyday just takes the coolness quotient out of it. You even decided to try your hand at a new relationship, but lets face it – after you know a person too well, they become boring for you.

What explains this mass boredom of my generation? My parents were 25 once too, I am sure, but all they talk about back then was babies and responsibilities. The early fruition of so many problems never made people of my parent’s generation sit down and think about life-changing thoughts like what I am writing about right now. Hell yeah, I am sure my mother must have been concerned more about giving birth to me right now than having a boredom-related crisis.

It’s not easy living alone in a city, going to work and coming back to an empty house, living the same moronic life, every single day. Shopping occasionally brings some happiness, some men (don’t want to stereotype), idle their time away by waiting for the iPhone X to release. The point is – boredom is everywhere. How does one deal with it?

A colleague of mine once posed a question to me – if we have lived our life till now happily, but the existence ahead seems boring, long and dreadful, then why live it? What’s the point of living another 50 years in monotony?

Her question was tempting at that point of time, the answer even more tempting. But I am used to living life now, how do I end it? Plus religion and moral values come into play. Till 3 years ago, I used to tire myself by thinking about having a boyfriend. Now, that’s done too. What more? Not marriage, that’s boring too. Not alcohol, had enough of it already. Smoking? Isn’t the air of Delhi enough?

I understand that I am a privileged young woman posing existential crisis questions about 25 year olds working at MnCs who have nothing else to do with their life but complain. But, think of it. Aren’t we slowly becoming that western society whose individualism we despise as Indians? Economic independence has made everyone distant and by living alone, we do become self-centered to a certain level. The urban society of India is no different than a lonely life in New York City or London. How long before you Brooklyn bridge tires you out and London Bridge loses its sheen? I have lived in London, and started picking faults in the city the moment the weather turned bleak there. Now, I want to go back and live there someday, but the thought of living completely alone scares me.

I know I should be used to this boring, lonely life, but somehow I feel there’s a certain colour in it too. Think about it. You have the freedom and the choice to do whatever the fuck you want to. You can get up at 1 pm on weekends, give zero fucks about doing your laundry, go without shaving for a month and not be told off. I think its just a matter of perspective. Whenever I feel bored, I tell myself a very simple thing nowadays – will this day come back again? Maybe it won’t, so I might as well make the best of it. I am bored, but at least this boredom got me to think about something. Tomorrow, life might pass by in a flash without me even knowing it, and I won’t even get time to breathe. So till then, amigos, breathe free, for you never know – you might miss this existential crisis someday.

P.S – I honestly feel everybody who crosses their 20’s should be given a prize. Like, seriously.