An Indian Woman's Ramblings · Indian Woman's Musings · Life

Is it okay to do something you’re not good at?

I struggle to keep pace with my peers. It feels like school all over again. I feel like someone’s laughing at the back of the class when I ask a stupid question.

It’s hard to be average and ambitious. You want to do many things with your life, but one thing always stops you – your incapability.

I always thought my strength lay in writing. Turns out that’s the case for many people out there. I am not the only one with creativity stuck to the nerves of her brain.

What do I do now?Where do I go? My life didn’t pan out the way it should have. I now have an insane goal in mind, steely determination for it, but my lack of expertise is frustrating me.

Has anyone ever told you that frustration is the key to losing your mind? It’s good to want more from your life, to want to better your situation. But how does one do it?

I walk in and out of job interviews, my mind boggled at the kind of expertise expected from me; my current role helping me in no way for the new one.

I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted at my incapability. I have officially failed to love myself. I don’t know what positivity is anymore. I don’t know whether I should smile at my life or my destruction.

Why did I end up here? I wasn’t meant to end up like this. I was the brightest in my class in college, the top performer in my graduate school. Then why am I at my lowest now? Is it because I have chosen to do something I am not trained in?

What do I do to better my situation? There is no person out there to help me. My parents are of little help either.

Sometimes, I wonder if happiness lies in being average and content. But contentment has always been so so hard for me. I try very hard to be happy with what I have, but a voice inside my head keeps telling me – you can do better.

To be honest, I wasn’t this confused when I was in a relationship. Back then, things were quite clear – I wanted to stick to one job, take things as and when they came and probably settle into a zone from where I could pursue my passion of writing full-time.

But then life hits you. Hard. You get lost in time and space, stretching your arm out for support, but touching thin air. The opportunities you actually have in your hand seem inadequate. Happiness becomes a chore. Smiling seems like harassment you inflict on yourself. You don’t feel like taking holidays anymore. Even going to eat out seems like a waste of time.

Sometimes, I feel I am not focused enough. I feel I lack the right skills or attitude to be successful. And then I see some people for whom it’s so easy. I wonder – where did I go wrong?

These are probably solitary thoughts – they will one day go away. But I wish I could understand how to become better at something I am not good at. I don’t know how much harder I should work. Is giving up easier than trying?

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Life

You Will Love Again…

You will love again,

you will flow again,

Again will you feel the touch of his hand

that made you feel secure

But this time,

You will not make mistakes

you will not bend

and you will find someone who appreciates you

for who you are

You will love again

But this time with caution,

and trust,

You will understand once again

and he will understand you

Don’t lose faith in life

time is long, regret is short

Forget those who didn’t value you,

they will never do,

But there is someone out there,

waiting to value you…

You may have to go through hundreds of people,

You may have to go through heartbreak,

But if you continue to have faith

You will soon find the right person

This time, you will glow

the love in you will flow

The trust you have will be stronger

The love you have will be longer.

An Indian Woman's Ramblings · Indian Woman's Musings

Why Adulting Is Fun

A few weeks ago, I came across a tweet: “The less you respond to drama, the more peaceful your life becomes”. I can not stress more on the absolute truth of these 100 words. And that’s something I have learnt through the process of ‘adulting’.

I know, not many people love being an adult, right? There’s too much drama, too many problems. It’s easy to say many things, but difficult to implement them for real, because now there are too many people with a stake in your life.

Love for adulting just doesn’t seem to fit into a socially accepted standard of something “fun” to say. After all, there are no paper boats to float, no tiffins to share and definitely no PT classes. But I somehow enjoy adulting and the process of blooming into an adult has fascinated me to the core. Now, I talk more to you all through my blog than in person, and for a change, it feels good! I feel lighter in my adulthood more than I ever did in my childhood.

I guess that’s because I had a complicated childhood and found it difficult to make friends while growing up. So when adulting happened, it didn’t come easy, but I have finally learnt to accept many things about myself, which I couldn’t as a teenager. And I honestly feel great.

It feels good to keep some emotions to yourself, to make yourself your confidante. It’s an amazing feeling when you head to work in the morning knowing it’s the least stressful thing you will do. And above everything, it feels great to know that you’re in a good place and can share this with someone when the right time comes. I have been an adult for less than 2 years, and I honestly feel more empowered than ever before. I know some people (particularly Indians) dread the life of a flat – where you take care of your own laundry, your food, menial house jobs. But I like my daily routine of waking up in my own place, dressing up well and heading to an office just 10 minutes away from my place. I used to bare out my emotions to the world once, but as an adult, I have chosen to showcase them to myself – for no one understands me better than I do. These are things I have learnt in the past few months, and this change has made me a stronger and more meditative person – some of the best things I am getting from adulthood.

Trust me, adulting isn’t that bad. Yes, you change as a person, you lose some friends along the way and you don’t like the spaghetti you enjoyed six months ago. But hey, life’s beautiful and you’re leading it with confidence and love. You’re surrounded by people who love you, friends who care about you and above all, family that you can always bank upon. Plus, you get your space (mostly).

Whenever life goes too fast, slow down. Breathe. Clear your head. And think about how much fun it is being on your own, fending for yourself. It will prepare you for a life ahead where you will never be dependent on anybody. It feels good to be an adult, and if you’re one, I hope you feel good about ‘adulting’ too!

Much love,

the happy writer of this blog

Life · Opinionated · Uncategorized

Boredom and how to get rid of it. No, seriously.

Are those people who lead monotonous lives boring? Is it always amazing, or ‘awesome’ to have something ‘happening’ going on in your life?

As I look forward to another weekend with nothing much to do apart from type furiously into my laptop, I wonder whether my 20’s shall be spent in solitude till one day my family gets annoyed of that existence and “marries me off”. Till then, how do I pass my time?

I decided to take the easy road – enroll for a course. Nah, one or two assignments were enough to make me realise that I value online courses more than the classroom stuff now. I am just not cut out for exams as they are boring and don’t pay. What else do I do?

I attended a couple of film screenings, went to parks alone, read books at a cafe. But I still got bored and started dwindling my thumbs. I may be moaning about a first world problem, but this is actually the case with many people of my generation today. Sometimes I wonder whether my friends got married out of pure boredom.

The point is – everything gets monotonous after a while. The job, the people, your partner, the house, the car, even Netflix. You can eat all the burgers you want, but you tire out of them too. You cook for a couple of days out of enthusiasm, but then you give it up because doing something cool everyday just takes the coolness quotient out of it. You even decided to try your hand at a new relationship, but lets face it – after you know a person too well, they become boring for you.

What explains this mass boredom of my generation? My parents were 25 once too, I am sure, but all they talk about back then was babies and responsibilities. The early fruition of so many problems never made people of my parent’s generation sit down and think about life-changing thoughts like what I am writing about right now. Hell yeah, I am sure my mother must have been concerned more about giving birth to me right now than having a boredom-related crisis.

It’s not easy living alone in a city, going to work and coming back to an empty house, living the same moronic life, every single day. Shopping occasionally brings some happiness, some men (don’t want to stereotype), idle their time away by waiting for the iPhone X to release. The point is – boredom is everywhere. How does one deal with it?

A colleague of mine once posed a question to me – if we have lived our life till now happily, but the existence ahead seems boring, long and dreadful, then why live it? What’s the point of living another 50 years in monotony?

Her question was tempting at that point of time, the answer even more tempting. But I am used to living life now, how do I end it? Plus religion and moral values come into play. Till 3 years ago, I used to tire myself by thinking about having a boyfriend. Now, that’s done too. What more? Not marriage, that’s boring too. Not alcohol, had enough of it already. Smoking? Isn’t the air of Delhi enough?

I understand that I am a privileged young woman posing existential crisis questions about 25 year olds working at MnCs who have nothing else to do with their life but complain. But, think of it. Aren’t we slowly becoming that western society whose individualism we despise as Indians? Economic independence has made everyone distant and by living alone, we do become self-centered to a certain level. The urban society of India is no different than a lonely life in New York City or London. How long before you Brooklyn bridge tires you out and London Bridge loses its sheen? I have lived in London, and started picking faults in the city the moment the weather turned bleak there. Now, I want to go back and live there someday, but the thought of living completely alone scares me.

I know I should be used to this boring, lonely life, but somehow I feel there’s a certain colour in it too. Think about it. You have the freedom and the choice to do whatever the fuck you want to. You can get up at 1 pm on weekends, give zero fucks about doing your laundry, go without shaving for a month and not be told off. I think its just a matter of perspective. Whenever I feel bored, I tell myself a very simple thing nowadays – will this day come back again? Maybe it won’t, so I might as well make the best of it. I am bored, but at least this boredom got me to think about something. Tomorrow, life might pass by in a flash without me even knowing it, and I won’t even get time to breathe. So till then, amigos, breathe free, for you never know – you might miss this existential crisis someday.

P.S – I honestly feel everybody who crosses their 20’s should be given a prize. Like, seriously.

Life

To Birthdays, New Beginnings And More!

Heya you all,

So earlier this week, it was my birthday. The event I eagerly wait for all year. That one time of the year when I can behave like a queen and get treated like one. Only, this year, my birthday was just any other day of the year for me. Just another day, when I woke up, listened to some good music, chatted with some good people, ate good food and went back to sleep again. Just another, wonderful day.

Only, this year was more eventful than the others. Eventful in the sense that my best friend got drunk, pole danced the night through, got hit on by a creepy bartender. I did my bit by telling a man I am a lesbian to ward him off – not an advisable thing to do, and I request my homosexual friends to excuse me, as I was drunk (and also because it was my birthday).

Nevertheless, as the night ended and I drifted off to sleep, life stopped feeling so heavy anymore. Ever since the 3rd, I feel lightened, as if God took off a huge load from me and decided to shoulder it himself. I don’t know how many of you believe in God. But I know he is out there somewhere looking out for me. Otherwise, how can one explain the miraculous way that I have moved forward in life, leaving behind all bad memories and terrible experiences? I don’t know, all of a sudden, I feel like a new person, who has ended a journey and begun another one.

All of a sudden, I don’t expect anything anymore. I feel like life is working its magic and I just need to go with the flow. I woke up in the morning today and told myself, it may be Friday but it’s a work day, and your office is your karmbhoomi (place of worship), so go there and win the world. I worked with a lighter load today, but the day was so good. One of my colleagues praised me for my positive attitude and even said that I exude a lot of positive energy when I walk into office. It made me feel so good. I haven’t been told in a long time that I am a positive person and it made me believe in myself and believe that I can make other people happy around me.

I no longer want him to read my messages, call me or text me. If he wants to, he can. But I don’t have a mad urge anymore. I just want to live life normally and happily and embrace anything that comes with it. I don’t care what people think of me, as long as I love myself and the people that matter to me surround me. I feel free. Is this for real or am I living a dream?

I am writing this letter to you all in total earnest today. I don’t even have a structure in mind while typing this. I am just typing in free motion, letting my mind do the talking. Guess what, I did another incredible thing since my birthday ended. I totally immersed myself in a book and literally stuck onto its every page for half the night just to finish it. I haven’t done that in years. The last I did that, I was 21. After that, all reading was inhibited by the buzzing of the cell phone and social media updates.

I re-joined Instagram too. The fear of facing the truth on social media has also disappeared from my mind. Let people know everything. Even if they judge me, they aren’t living my life right? They aren’t living my fabulous life, which is full of so much happiness. Today, when I came back from office, I decided to do something different and finish a season of a tv show I have been watching for the past 2 weeks. I binge-watched How I Met Your Mother’s 9th season, cried uninhibitedly, felt every emotion freely, got some pizza and brownie and didn’t chide myself for it. I even exercised in guilt later, but at least I got to finish the 9th season!

And guess what, I loved it. I loved the original ending. I am fine with Ted not ending up with the mother, but that’s a story I will save for another day.

You know, the thought of him driving his car and buying a house doesn’t bother me anymore. Let him be happy. Materialistic things don’t bring me happiness. Knowledge does. Writing does. Love does. And I have all that. I am so happy.

I don’t know if God exists. But if he does, he’s given me so much happiness ever since my birthday ended. He didn’t even wish me, but it didn’t hurt at all. In fact, I don’t even care if he doesn’t. After all, birthday is just another day.

But this birthday was another day that just brightened up my present. And I am so thankful for everything that it has brought with it. I am even more thankful to you for reading this blog. Thank you for giving my writing a space in your heart.

I am no longer scared to feel, no longer scared to be happy. Bring it on life, I will give you all I’ve got and accept all you have to give me, with no expectation in return. I know whatever you give me will just shape me for the better. And you will make me capable enough of sustaining a partnership on truth, understanding and pure love. Bring it on life!

Much love,

An eternal perpetual dreamer

Life

काश एक बार…

तुम्हे खोकर जाना खोना किसे कहते है
पल पल तड़प कर जाना मरना किसे कहते है
गलती की सज़ा ये है की अब तुम साथ नही हो
अब ये भी पता है की तुम किसी और के साथ खुश हो
बस इतना लगता है की काश ज़िंदगी हमारे प्यार को दूसरा मौका दे देती
की मैं अपनी गलतियाँ सुधार सकती
पर गलतियों के पहाड़ को तोड़ना है मुश्किल
ना साथ रहने के चाह को बदलना है मुश्किल
अब खुश होती हूँ ये सोचकर की तुम्हे किसी और की बाहों में पनाह मिला
किसी और के साथ वो मुकम्मल जहाँ मिला
बस यही सोचती हूँ रोज़ की तुम खुश हो की नही
प्रार्थना करती हूँ की खुश तो होंगे ही ज़रूर
अब बस यही लगता है की तुमसे बात न बनी तो किसी और से ना बन पाएगी
प्यार खोकर जाना प्यार कहते किसे है…
काश तुम एक बार मुड़कर मेरी तरफ देखते
काश हम एक बार पुरानी बातें भुला देते
पर अब बस काश ही बोलती रहूंगी
क्यूंकी अब ना नसीब होगी मुझे तुम्हारी मुहब्बत या नफ़रत
अब पता है की तुम्हारे अंदर मेरे लिए कोई भावनायें नही
होंगी भी कैसे, मैं हूँ ही ऐसी बला
जिसे छोड़कर तुम आज खुश हो
बस यही बोलती हू भगवान को रोज़ की मैने गलतियाँ मान ली है
पर पता है अब सुधारने का मौका नही मिलेगा…
रोज़ कोशिश करती हूँ तुम्हे भूलने की ताकि तुम खुश रहो
पर प्यार को भूलना मुश्किल ही नही
नामुमकिन है,
अब बस तुम्हारे उस खत का इंतेज़ार है
जिसमें तुम मुझे अपनी शादी में बुलवाओ
ताकि मैं आकर तुम्हे खुशियों की बधाई दे सकूँ
क्यूंकी तुम्हारी खुशियाँ बस चाहिए अब मुझे
मुझे अपने अंदर के शैतान को किसी और को ना दिखाना
किसी और को दर्द नही देना
ना किसी और के साथ ग़लतियाँ करनी
क्यूंकी तुम्हारे साथ बात नही बनी
तो किसी के साथ नही बनेगी…
तुम्हारे सामने खुश होने का नाटक करूँगी
ताकि तुम मुझे भूल जाओ और खुश रहो
तुम्हे अब ना कॉल ना message करूँगी
मेरी मनहूस शकल से भी तुम्हे घिन आती है, ये पता है
अब तुमसे ना कोई चाह ना गिला
बस अपने आप को रोज़ बोलती हूँ
की काश प्यार को पहले समझा होता
तो शायद आज तुम्हारे बिना जीना नही पड़ता
शायद पहले ये समझा होता की प्यार में कोई समझौता नही होता
तो शायद इस दिन को ना गले लगाना पड़ता…
अब भगवान से बस यही माँगूंगी
की अगले जनम हम साथ हो
मैं तुम्हारे साथ जियुं और तुम्हारे बाद मरूं
क्यूंकी सच कहूँ
तुम्हारे बिना जीना बहुत मुश्किल है…
काश ज़िंदगी ने हमारे प्यार को एक और मौका दिया होता
काश मैने अपने आप को रोका होता
काश ये दिन ना आता
काश मैं जी पाती तुम्हारे बिना
अब बस मरने की देर है
तुम्हारे बिना साँस लेती हूँ पर अपने आप से घिन है
जी तो लूँगी मैं अकेले
क्यूंकी अब बस अगले जनम का इंतेज़ार है
जब हम सच में साथ हो और ये गलतियों का पहाड़ ना हो
इस जनम से अगले जनम में ज़्यादा वक़्त नही
८० साल तो बस समय है, ज़िंदगी नही…

history · Life in India

Why I Am In Love (And Rightly So), With Humayun’s Tomb

I have always been very clear about my love for Humayun’s tomb. Why a tomb, a place for death, you may ask? When Akbar built the place, he did so to commemorate his father, who died a rather tragic death after falling down the steps of his library. Why then, do I find so much peace and love for the place?

IMG_20170903_180948517_HDR.jpg
Opening my eyes to this view.

This Sunday, I decided to sit in front of the tomb, in the lawns, and contemplate my emotions for the red-and-white structure, which has enamoured me ever since I came to Delhi more than seven years ago. Writing an ode to Humayun’s tomb will not be enough.

When I walk around the tomb, I can see the past – the grandeur of the Mughal empire. The red walls, through their coldness, speak to me of the love of a son for his father. Nothing can go wrong here – wherever you look, you can see the blue minaret or the white dome – white, a symbol of such peace and tranquility. If you take a book and sit in the lawns, a lovely wind blows behind your neck, as if soothing you and blending you into the peaceful existence.

Thousands of people visit Humayun’s tomb every day. But, once I am there, all I can hear is the sound of the wind and the birds. All I can see is the tomb, standing in all its grandeur, beckoning me to be calm and think only good things.

IMG_20170903_181222627

Monuments span beyond time and religion, for they belong to everyone, yet belong to no-one. The Taj Mahal may be a symbol of love for the world, but Humayun’s tomb is a symbol of peace and tranquility. When I play a song in my mind and walk around the monument, I feel a spring in my step, a twinkle in my eye. All my troubles wash away and I can only see the expanse of the red walls in front of me, as if telling me that life is way more beautiful than I can imagine it to be.

Which is why I will always love Humayun’s tomb, and rightly so.